Helping others the easy way.

It's been a while since I've visited here, still sober, still clean.

Went back to an old place last night, after spending time with a new friend who is deeply struggling. The feeling of impotence, of being unable to resolve the pain they are going through, leaves me feeling sad and grumpy. It resolves to the place of "where is God?"

The only advice I could give myself is that we can stay sober, no matter what our circumstances are, if we stay close to our Higher Power and to our friends. That crawling back into our caves so we can feel protected from all the perceived evil that is out there is the worst option possible. We all go through suffering in our lives so best do it in the company of others. A.A. is called a fellowship for a reason.

I, at one time, deeply believed that prayer was about changing the circumstances we find ourselves in. That it was my job to persuade God to do different, make life easier for the one that was suffering. If my prayers were not answered according to my demands, then the fault was mine, that I was living in a fashion the displeased God and he was punishing both me and the person I was praying for because of my actions. It was always about me. I was the centre of action! (Think I should take a bow now.)

Today, prayer is about letting go and learning to trust. Trusting God to work through the circumstances to change us, change others. It was pain that brought me to sobriety, and that is true for most alcoholics, circumstances was the agent of our change.

There is a passage in the 12&12 on prayer. On page 104:

We also fall into another similar temptation. We form ideas as to what we think God's will is for other people. We say to ourselves, “This one ought to be cured of his fatal malady,” or “That one ought to be relieved of his emotional pain,” and we pray for these specific things. Such prayers, of course, are fundamentally good acts, but often they are based upon a supposition that we know God's will for the person for whom we pray. This means that side by side with an earnest prayer there can be a certain amount of presumption and conceit in us. It is A.A.'s experience that particularly in these cases we ought to pray that God's will, whatever it is, be done for others as well as for ourselves.

Step 11 is about prayer and mediation. We pray to understand God's will for us and for the power to carry it out. I recently read this passage attributed to Thomas Merton:

The will of God is not a 'fate' to which we must submit, but a creative act in our life that produces something absolutely new, something hitherto unforeseen by the laws and established patterns. Our cooperation consists not solely in conforming to the external laws, but in opening our wills to this mutually creative act.

No magic wands. Just trust and cooperation. Doing just my part, not God's part. My friend who is struggling will have to do the same. What happens is between him and his Higher Power. We get to watch lives change.

I think I'll leave the wishing well. Thanks for letting me share.

Relationships

My mantra of choice was always “Leave me alone.” From childhood, I have found the company of others difficult, akin to hanging out with porcupines. I believed I was never treated the way I felt I deserved, never felt understood, never fit in.  Until I found out the power of alcohol, it performed social alchemy. I finally fit it, I felt normal but eventually the boomerang came back.  It lost the magic. Fast forward many years and then this description on page 151 of the Big Book describes my experience well:

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did - then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand! 

I have often joked that the best think and the worst thing about recovery was getting my feelings back. Truthfully, all those feelings come from relationships. I like the quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupery, "Man is a knot into which relationships are tied." The joys and the pain that comes from hanging out with others, with trying to live my life with another. I was really surprised how clear it was laid out on page 80 of the 12&12:

 ...  defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism ... 

I have shared, in the past, of how I have left meetings with tears on my face because I did not get what I had hoped for at the meeting.  One of the most powerful pieces of recovery literature (for me) was an essay Bill W. wrote, a meditation on love, St. Francis, dependency, and depression. He wrote:

Suddenly, I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence, on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.

There wasn´t a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away.

In the same essay, Bill W. gave me this wonderful bit from his experience:

Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed upon any act of circumstance whatsoever.

Working the steps is not a simple task. It takes honesty, openness, and willingness. It is work and the results are deeply worth it. Bill concludes with:

Of course, I haven´t offered you a really new idea --- only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own hexes´ at depth. Nowadays, my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine.

 Yes!  Bright sunshine. Just for today.

Step 7 and Character Building

Step seven reads, "Humbly asked Him to remove our short-comings." I have always taken this to mean that after I have discovered my short-comings in steps four and five, I say a simple prayer, trusting in my Higher Power to do the work, for I am powerless. And afterwards, when I still struggle with these defects of character, I just need to keep trusting and wait for God's time and place. In previous readings of step seven in the twelve and twelve, I've noticed the words "character building" but haven't paid much attention. In this current round of step work, those words seemed to be printed in bold face.

 I found this definition on the internet:

"Character building" is experiences which teach you some of life's lessons; lessons like keep your word, pay attention, don't run with sharp objects. Many character building experiences hurt and may contain a "significant emotional experience". With a little good luck, you will live through them and be a better person. (Wiki Answers)

"Hurt" and "significant emotional experience", hmmm. That explains why I was avoiding looking at those two words. I've spent a lifetime running from pain and emotions and have continued to run, avoiding these in sobriety. On page 71 of the Twelve and Twelve, Bill writes that "we have lacked the perspective to see that character-building and spiritual values have to come fist." Pain and emotional experience have to come first?

Bill goes on with page 72, "But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness."

Yep, that's me.

"Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not."

Yes, very seldom.

"We never thought of making honesty, tolerance, and true love of man and God the daily basis of living."

Which is a really good definition of humility.  Putting others and God ahead of me and my comfort.

But what does this mean to me in practical terms? Well, the other day we went for a walk to town while it was raining heavily. My partner brought her umbrella while I wore my rain gear. I am much taller than she which results in those protruding steel tips being at the same height as my eyes. I began to feel sullen and angry during the walk. I felt resentful towards her and the umbrella. I am reluctant to write just how strong those emotions were. The joy of the walk was gone, I was uncomfortable. Fortunately, I had just finished Step 7 and was trying to figure out how to put that step into action. So I kept my mouth shut, tried to stay connected to the conversation we were having, all the while being mindful of the umbrella. I find it difficult to  carry those emotions around and not react to them. I have always wanted to run from feelings that are uncomfortable, often justifying my actions which allows me to push back. Truthfully, in the past when I have tried to dodge the feelings, I just created a worse situation. So this time, I kept my mouth shut, kept the feelings rumbling around in my belly and did my best to put my partner first. Good news is that I did not loose an eye or a relationship. As I kept on trying to work through these emotions, not trying to dissipate them with anger, I managed to keep her walk somewhat enjoyable despite the rain. Nor did I have to make a direct amend for an angry outburst.

And that's how I see character building in step seven. To keep on trying to have some humility, even as I struggle with emotional pain, to put the other first. Step seven is like all the other steps, my Higher Power does his/her part but I have to take responsibility for my part.

Henry David Thoreau is quoted as saying: "You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one."

Roses or Thorns

Been a while since I've updated. Still working through the issues surrounding my interest in resentments. Working through the steps with a small group of men. Finished my fourth and am going to do a fifth step this weekend. Discovering that dealing with resentments is just like dealing with fears. I have to nip the thought at the bud, not to let it grow any further. The more I mull the resentment around in my head, the deeper it's hooks get into me, the more angry I become.

I have been reading a book of Rumi poems as part of my morning meditation. I came across some wonderful wisdom so I am going to give the rest of my post over to Rumi:

... Now, if you can look at the flowers in a garden day and night, why would you wander in a briar patch or a snake pit? Love everybody so that you may always stay among the flowers of the garden. If you hate everybody and image enemies everywhere, it would be like wandering day and night in a briar patch or snake pit.

The saints love everybody and see everything as good, not for anyone else's sake but for their own, lest a hateful, detestable image come into their view. Since there is no choice in this world but to think of people, the saints have striven to think of everybody as a friend, so that hatred may not mar their way. (The Rumi Collection)

Resentments

As I endeavour to work through the steps again, this time focused on the topics of resentments, I am surprised at how much space the big book devotes to the topic of resentment. On page 64 of the big book, in the opening paragraph on step 4,  it states "Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions." The book goes on to discuss the various manifestations of self by stating:

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.

On page 66 resentments are further discussed:

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Someone penned the idea that resentments are a form of suicide. They hurt us deeply, can be fatal in nature. Can take us out. When I am resentful, I am retaking control of my life. I trust no one. Humility is long gone.

The humility that is needed to stay sober, stay clean disappears when I become resentful. On page 21 of the Twelve and Twelve:

We know that little good can come to any alcoholic who joins A.A. unless he has first accepted his devastating weakness and all its consequences. Until he so humbles himself, his sobriety -- if any -- will be precarious. Of real happiness he will find none at all. Proved beyond doubt by an immense experience, this is one of the facts of A.A. life.The principle that we shall find no enduring strength until we fist admit complete defeat is the main taproot from which our whole Society has sprung and flowered.

When I was deep into resentments earlier this year, I was sober but emotionally ugly. No love to give, just feeling deeply selfish and depressed. I needed to get out of there or I would drink.I could no longer trust in my Higher Power or in A.A.

I became open and honest about what was going on internally, and in doing so I gained perspective. Others could point out the delusions in my thinking. Others that patiently supported me, giving me space to work out my resentments, to see them for what they really are. If you are struggling with resentments, reach out and talk to someone, even if you can't seem to trust or hope. If you hold them inside, nurture them, help those resentments grow, it leads to very dark places. Stay in the sunlight!

Rumi wrote a wonderful poem on humility:

Love whispers in my ear,
"Better to be a prey than a hunter.
May yourself My fool.
Stop trying to be the sun and become a speck!
Dwell at My door and be homeless.
Don't pretend to be a candle, be a moth,
so you may taste the savor of Life
and know the power hidden in serving."

Psychology Today has a good article and self-test on resentment.