Sunday, October 28, 2007

Fear colourizes my world.

I was with a friend at an AA rally last night. He chose a table to sit at for the banquet. He chose a table of strangers and next to the chair I was to sit was a person I least wanted to be besides. I felt angry and betrayed. How could my friend have so picked.

Fear has always made me selfish. To slither into the hard place deep within me. I though of this and prayed before I set myself down. I wanted to be of service and thought that whatever God would want, I could try. So I sat in the chair, looked around at the six unknown faces around me and promptly shut up. Their faces looked unwelcoming, a little frightful. I didn't seem to be able to understand what they were talking about, it seemed nonsensical. Someone besides spoke, my friend broke out in laughter. I could not figure out what was so funny. Looking at my friend, I was confused. I thought that the dinner had been ruined. I would never feel comfortable here. This group was unfriendly, unknown, ugly. I really believed this for a while.

I sat there listening to the banter between the group. I misunderstood what was going on. I misrepresented to myself what was going on. I was filtering and what I believed was truth was was a lie. I shut up, I shut down. I just listened.

Eventually, the conversation switched from banter to heart. When I heard their stories, realized they are no different than me. Their battle with addiction was the same as mine. They were not evil, out to get me. They shared my journey. We were pilgrims on the same path.

Fear took my will and my life. Fear prevented me from seeing and feeling honestly. Fear has become a wall to intimacy. Fear stopped my from taking the hands of others. Distortion and blindness were the products.

There have been times when I walked into a meeting, looked around and just wanted to leave. I was fearful and could not listen. I could not centre and breath. Fear in control.

The big book describes fear as "an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it." The book later on says "Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity."

Humbleness. Trust. Reliance on a high power.

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