Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Question 109.

I joined a big book / step study in September. We are reading through the Big Book and "12 steps and 12 traditions", as well as listening to the Joe and Charlie Big Book studies (available here). We have just started step 4. We are only to make a list of people, institutions, or principles with whom we were angry. Just the names. We were then given a list of question to help stimulate our memories. We were not to answer the questions but use them as a guide to figure out just what we were pissed off about.

I was going through my memory, occasionally looking at the list to help me. Then I came across question 109, " Are you still judging the outside of others by the inside of you?" Just seeing the question seems to explain so much about how I viewed the world. My entry from a couple of days ago talking about fear of people is an example. I have spent so much time judging others by how I feel. And since I spent most of the time in fear and self pity and depression, that is how I viewed the rest of the world. I can remember going to town, looking at people, wondering why the whole world looked ugly. The people I saw were not who I wanted to be. Some days my skin crawled. I really thought it was them. Joining a group of men at work, listening, not talking, walking away thinking they were stupid. My spouse not having a clue. My boss so screwed up.

I used to be so judgmental on the inside, Mr. Nice Guy on the outside. Now, after 19 months of being clean and sober, I see it within me but I can still live like that. Fear still can cloud my vision. Feelings on the inside changing the view of the outside.

The best thing of the program is that as I work the steps, God changes me. I discover more of myself and seem to become more willing to change. What has shackled me in prison is slowly springing loose. My sponsor has always reminded me that time take time. The program will change me. I just need to be content, letting the program do it's work.

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way though. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellow. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promised? We think not. They are bing fulfilled among us -- sometimes quickly, sometime slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." Big Book, Chapter 6.


recoveryroad said...

Nice blog. Enjoyed some of your stuff.

Have a good and sober day.

btw - your work address shows when you log on my blog...just in case you're not supposed to at work surf...



indistinct said...

Thanks, Kenny, for visiting.

Work surfing seems to be okay at lunch breaks and coffee breaks. Certainly would get fired for doing that while I'm supposed to be working. I think I'd rather leave on good notes that get tossed for reading blogs. :)

Your blog certainly challenges my conceptions. Thank you.

johno said...

Hey welcome to blogging :)

thanks for sharing, I was ALWAYS jusding my insides with other peoples outsides for ages. I always came off worse! thank God I catch myself at it nowadays and stop. Have a good weekend...

indistinct said...

Thanks, Johno, for the welcome and the encouragement.

There are times when I think it's just miraculous the changes that come. Then I remind myself I need to keep doing the work, stay in the program, or I'll lose that miracle.