Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Work

I am struggling with work. A lot of self pity seems to be generated from having to work at this job. The last couple of days I've felt overwhelmed. I whine to my spouse about work. Complaining to her that she's much better off than me. She can do as she likes. The pity pot is over flowing.

I tell myself that I have a good job, good pay and benefits. Interesting, lots of problem solving, opportunities, good people, even a couple of guys in the program that I can talk to. My work place didn't fire my ass out the door when I was angry, belligerent, defying authority. I got support when they should have fired me.

I think that some of my frustration is the constant decision making and my need to do it perfectly. To make the right choice. To make a decision, then have it not work out the way I expected, to have people mock me for getting it wrong, is a fear I carry in my head. That fear is clouding how I see the problem, making it worse. My need to be liked is strong.

Practicing acceptance tells me I will not always be right. I will screw up some where. I will piss people off. Just the way it is. It's like going to a meeting. I've ticked off some and certainly got resentments from others.

I can futurize myself to death in the place. What if this, what if that. My head can spin and spin. Being in the moment, placing myself in God's hands. Telling myself I am not responsible for everything. The serenity prayer shows me how to let go and let God be in control.

Spoke for a long while with my sponsor. He never gives me the answer. Tells me that wisdom will come to me if I ask God for it. He spent a lot of time trying to tell me the difference between ego and accomplishment. Ego is just me all puffed up, accomplishment is the result of years of work and experience in any given field. He was trying to tell me that perhaps I might be able to trust my instincts about work. I know that anything my sponsor tries to teach me usually makes way more sense about six months down the road. Trust the process, trust the steps, is what he teaches me. Time takes time. Thanks.

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