Saturday, November 17, 2007

Escape from Hubris

I've been reading some posts from a wonderful blog titled "A room of Mama's Own" and she's give me lots of gist for the mill. She wrote of the Matrix being a movie about addiction. She also wrote about the meaning of denial within another of her blog entries.

All this gave me pause to dwell on the changes in my life and thinking. A couple or so years ago, my life had become an endless bottle of wine supported by 30 to 50 hours a week on the internet looking at porn or for chat. I thought I was in control, that my life had meaning, that I knew what the truth was. Through a series of circumstances that were beyond what I could control I ended up at a treatment centre. It was there that I experienced a realization that I was living my life based on some huge lies. Sitting in a group of other addicts, them telling me what was real in my life, me getting pissed off, refusing to listen, denying what they saw, my version of the truth was the only version, was a long, painful experience.

I had long lived within an ocean of self pity masked as depression. I felt I was swimming within the warmness and safeness of that sea, deep down where nothing could harm me.

Like when Neo gets unplugged, ejected from his pod, and falls down the chute into reality. I surfaced from my deep cave and found a storm raging on the surface. The wind and rain was icy cold. Life is gritty and painful. Not beautiful. Not comfortable. Not all about me.

I believed in a God that was spiteful, harmful. I believed that my actions in the past would always haunt me. I believed that I deserved and would never lose the shame I walked in. In the twenty months that have followed since, the deeply harmful belief structure has been replaced.

I believe in a God that loves and cares, I can dwell within God's hands. I no longer have to dwell in the past, seeing my future through that lens, I live in today, clean and sober. I am not a shameful creature, forced to live in the shadows. I can work my program, make amends for my past, take responsibility and walk with my head high. I can love others, I can love God, and I can be loved. I can feel pain and not have to hide in a bottle.

Admitting I was powerless over my addictions set me free from them. Turning my will and my life over to the care of God was the beginning of that freedom. Choosing to work the remaining steps was the beginning of trusting God. Steps 4 and 5 allowed the sunshine of truth to illuminate my life. Steps 6 and 7 was the beginning of responsibility and change. Steps 8 and 9 was owing up for what I had done. Step 10 is about keeping aware of my interactions, keeping the lens of truth clean. Step 11 is about drawing close to my Higher Power, learning to trust God more and more. Step 12 is about loving others, letting God work through me so that others can be helped like I was.

It's not about me. It's about God. What God had done has restored my life, our marriage, our family. It is a miracle.

The steps work, they showed me the truth. They opened the door to faith. Thank you.

p.s. I was going to credit someone else for the word hubris. I read it this morning in a comment on someone else's blog but can't find it back to give the link. So, who ever it was, thank you for a new word (for me, that is).


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Well, thanks for the kind words about my posts. My husband and I often use the Matrix analogy -- so many parts of it hold true. Like you, I'm grateful for sliding down that chute, out of my safe world of lies, into the cold, gritty real world -- and connecting with my own higher power.

indistinct said...

I would never have imagined being able to be thankful for all the pain that came with sobriety. I still struggle with gratitude about that.

I am so grateful to be sober and clean. Thankful for all the changes that were given to me by my Higher Power.