Monday, November 19, 2007

Fear jumps in.

The phone rang at nine in the evening a couple of nights ago. It was almost instantaneous, the fear that filled my core with ice. Damn, it's just a ringing phone and my mind leaps. "Something is wrong with one of my children, something horrible has happened", my thinking just shoots all over the place.

Our kids have problems, just like everyone else's kids have problems. Why do I want to believe that the worst is going to happen to those I care for?

I wrote about this a couple of weeks ago. I first started 12 stepping with Alanon. Looking for relief from the constant fear and worry over someone close to me that's an addict. I quickly learned that there is no immunity in the disease of addiction. One of the first parents I talked with lost her daughter to alcoholism. Another one had a dead son because of addiction. I almost despaired at that point. I didn't hear a lot of happy endings in Alanon. I did meet a lot of loving, caring, non-judgemental people who have come to grips with alcoholism, addiction and co-dependency, able to regain their own lives as well as helping me regain my life.

God does not make deals. There is no force field that he would put around my family if I would just figure out how to do the right thing. It's about trusting God, no matter what happens. Pain and grief come to all people, as well as joy and peace and serenity. In God's hands, I can face whatever comes my way. But fear still strikes.

I was reading Soul Survivor, by Phillip Yancy, a book that I hope would help improve my conscious contact with God (or, at least, deal with the debris of my "before recovery" understandings). The author wrote:

"If, for whatever reason I refuse to trust God, what, then, can I trust?"

I have been told that the antidote to fear is faith. When I feel that fear down to the core of who I am, I have taken my will back. I don't have an answer to all of life's problems. I can't do anything about it. My conundrum is that if God won't promise to make sure my family is going to have a happy ending I feel fear. I know about acceptance. I know about sharing my fears. I know that I need to be patient with myself, that changes come over time. I have little choice. Trusting me ended in failure. Trusting in my Higher Power results in freedom.

I am not fearful most of the time. I have changed over the last couple of years. But when that fear grips me, it's like nothing changed. I become full of me, selfish me. I have gratitude for those changes. I have a deep love for my Higher Power because of the changes within me. Clean and sober, in an intimate relationship with God. I can share everything with the Creator because he accepts me. Including my fears.

I don't have to be perfect. Just stay honest, open and willing. Change will come if I let it.

Thank you.

2 comments:

YamadogGirl said...

Wonderful share. Leave it to an alcoholic to project, "aahh, I have a bump on my leg, oh no, it's cancer, AAUUUGGGHH, they're gonna have to amputate" I can relate to that fear gripping, and the mind running with it. I keep telling everyone my brain is trying to kill me, it does and thinks all sorts of stupid things. Thank God, I can turn my will and my life over to Him, and not act on what my brain is telling me. Keep jumping in your faith!
Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

indistinct said...

Thanks for the encouragement. It's the little things in life that set me spinning.

I'm learning to ignore the brain but it sure seems real. I am thankful for a Higher Power that nurtures and cares. Is patient and kind.

Take care.