Thursday, November 22, 2007

I want a magic wand. Now!

Why does it hurt so much when someone we love relapses. To find out that we've been lied to again. It's so hard to let go, let God.

So much of my life has been praying to a god who has a magic wand. If I could just figure out the right coin, this god would do my bidding, make my world right. I wish.

I'm feeling sorry for me. I'm angry at my spouse. Angry at the loved one. I feel powerless and I don't like that feeling. I want to shout, to feel powerful. Move over, I want control of the wand, I wanna make things right. If god can't do it, then maybe I can. I'm sure there is another plan in my head somewhere.

Placing someone in God's hands, praying that God would bring that person to a place of surrender seems wrong tonight. It seems impotent. I could be that bull in the china shop, smashing everything around me. I could damage so much more than I have.

I am angry, I push back tears. Angry at God, at his loved one, at my spouse, at this situation. Anger is just another word for fear. Fear for what might happen, a future that is unknown.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
So states step one, in both AA and Alanon. I am powerless over my own addictions. I am powerless over this loved ones addictions. I couldn't fix me, I can't fix this person. It would be insane to think that I can. I've tried many times to do both and failed each time. Step two points me towards God.

Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
As I wrote in an earlier entry, if you don't trust God, how do you place someone into that God's hands and let go.

I see I made a spelling mistake. I wrote that I was angry at "his loved one". I wanted to write "this loved one".

God's loved one. God created us, made us, knows us. Who better to trust. This loved one belongs to God, not to me. I see those words but I don't feel them. So, lets act like I trust God, keep my hands out of the pie, and hopefully, the feelings will follow.

Today, this loved one says they are sober, going back to meetings, after relapsing over the weekend.

God, I place this person in your hands. I pray that you bring this loved one to a place of surrender, where they can turn their will and life over to your care. I pray that I stay out of the way. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always!

Thank you.

4 comments:

YamadogGirl said...

HI!

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving?! Early in my sobriety I'd sponsored a girl, she relapsed and never made it back to the rooms. I was angry, how could she do that, she was doing so well, she seemed to be grasping the Steps we were working on. AAUUUGGGHH! That's what I screamed, that's how I felt, and everyone was to blame including me. Then my sponsor pointed out to me, "Hey, are you still sober?" Yes, I was. The only thing I can do is turn MY WILL over to the care of God as I understand Him. Not yours, hers, his, not anybody else's. I learned we each have a path, and only God knows that path.

I am recovered today based on my spiritual condition, not drinking, working and applying the 12 steps, and working with others (unselfishness), on a daily basis. When someone relapses, and it's not a requirement to stay sober, only they know what they did or didn't do. Usually they say, I did not apply the steps. I remember the saying "But for the Grace of God go I". Grace means God's undeserved mercy. To me that means because of God's undeserved mercy I go on, in life, in this program, in everything, etc... So I need to practice, and NO, I don't do it well all the time, giving grace to another alcoholic, relapsed or not. Whenever my committee upstairs tries to tell me they can do it better than God, I say the 3rd Step prayer, and really understand what that prayer is telling me.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

indistinct said...

Thanks, Kimberly, for talking about grace. The grace we receive and the grace we give.

To love the person that relapsed, I find that so hard to do. But it's not about what I want to do, it's about what God wants to do. To extend the grace to others in the same way it was given to us.

Thanks again.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Dealing with the relapse of a loved one is unbelievably hard -- boy have I been there. It is hard, not just to remember, but to feel that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It's hard not to feel angry and resentful, even when you know it's not about you.

indistinct said...

Thank you MPJ. So true, I want to blame the loved one, I want to blame me. Fear and anger in one ugly ball.

I'm thankful for friends and a sponsor to talk with.

Thank you for sharing.