Sunday, November 4, 2007

Insanity

When I was in the treatment centre I heard that one of the meanings of insanity was "trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I took this to mean that all the attempts I made to quit drinking failed over and over again, and when I started working the steps the insanity stopped. I tried something different. I gave up trying to quit. I tried to work the steps. To accept that I was an alcoholic. That there was a power greater than me. That if I surrender my will and my life over to my Higher Power's care my life will change. My will being my thinking and my life being my actions. As a result of that surrender I became willing to work the remaining 9 steps and as I worked those steps my life continues to change, to grow. I look at my life now as a journey towards God. It is not easy. Not soft. The pain I experience causes me to change, being in my Higher Powers hands lets me face that pain, not numb it out.

Yet I still have insanity in my life. Someone close to me also has addictions. I want to be this person's higher power. To control a life, to have this human being do what I want them to do, I keep trying that, over and over again. I've been doing this for years. This need to control is what finally got me into AA. (I started with Alanon, after visiting a counselor for ideas on how to fix this person. An Alanon fifth step showed me I was in the wrong program.) For over three years I have been trying to solve this loved ones problems. For three years my fear has told me that I need to have control, that I need to do the right things, that I need to fix it. Everything I have tried had not worked. Yet I still persist. I think I relinquish and yet I take it back. Surrender is only partial and time limited.

I have this thought in my head that if I would just let go, surrender all the way, nestle back into God's hands, my serenity would be amazing. But in this case I just can't seem to do it. I tell everyone I want to let go but I still go on. When others in AA slip, hurt themselves, struggle, I don't react this way. When a sponsee walked away, I did not get full of fear. But when someone I deeply love struggles, doesn't work the program like I would like this person to, I get full of fear. Fear turns to anger and eventually to self-pity.

The only thing I can do is surrender. To keep on surrendering. When I take my will back, I need to surrender it again. If I hurt this person, I make amends. I keep doing it. If I don't feel it, I act it. I remain honest, open and willing. My life will change in God's time and way, not mine.

Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

God, I am powerless. Thank you.


(opinions gladly heard.)

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