Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Self and more self

Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. Page 62 of the Big Book

The bull was loose in the china shop today. Stomping around, covered in gallons of sticky self-pity. Couldn't wipe it off, feeling dirty, unwashable. Ended up in a big argument while my wife and I were eating supper. Arguing over Christmas. Thinking I was setting boundaries, all the while just trying to protect myself. My world had become small, seemingly without God. I was centre stage again. Directing and acting.

Settling down, I listened to my spouse, tried to explain my fears and self pity, suggested we find a better day to talk about the upcoming holiday. Apologized. Went to a meeting.

The meeting was perfect. Lots of ego on display. I felt like walking out. Who are these guys with the big ego's? Where do they come from? I stayed in my chair, knowing I had lots of fingers pointing back at me. Who's got big ego? I do. The Big Book paragraph that opens this blog entry is so very true. I'll do anything to protect myself, if left to my own devices. The topics for tonights meeting was unity, humility and honesty. Holy smokes.

I was driving home from town this afternoon. There was an old man, staggering down the side of the road in front of me, his back towards me. Shit stains down the back of his pants. He couldn't walk three steps without grabbing hold of the fence for support. Twenty yards in front of him a police man waited, watching. This old guy got to where he was one drink at a time. I can only keep from there one day at a time.

At the bottom of page 62 is the following:

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

Who's in charge? God is. Me? If I'm directing, I end up hurting those I most love. Somehow, I got to speak to someone after the meeting, to do a little service. To share my hope and my experience. To be honest about my day, how I behaved. To say that unity is what keeps me sober. Keeps us sober.


Thank you.

2 comments:

YamadogGirl said...

Morning!
My selfishness pops its ugly head up to, it is usually always fear driven. You've seen my latest posts (I'm such a silly girl always forgetting the next indicated step). What I've learned when that happens is I need to reach out. Alone, I will get drunk, for me that is to die, but WE stay sober, and I don't want to die today.

The last couple of meetings I've attended have been topics of 12th step work, tolerance and humility. I do all of these things today to the best of my ability (not always gracefully though), but I do them. I always hear what I need at meetings, God puts the right people in my path to help guide me along the journey. He's been doing that since the first day I walked into AA, and I still see it everyday.

Thanks for sharing, and have a great day!

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

indistinct said...

Thank you for the reminder about reaching out. It's easy to pick up the phone when I'm feeling good. When I'm lost is self pity, no way I wanna pick that thing up.

Nice to read your gratitude towards what God does for us. Without God, I'd be toast.

Take care