Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Step 5

Perfectionism. Seeking the approval of God and people. Fear. These defects of character were plain to see after completing the step.

My sponsor guiding me through this 5th step. Showing me myself. How fear is driving me to perform a perfect program. How looking for someone or something to be perfect so that I would know how to do my program perfectly. How, if I do it perfectly, God would love me. How other people would like me because I do so well. How this drive for being perfect will destroy me, ruin my relationships, and extinguish my spirituality.

He reminded me that AA is not about perfection, but about progress. That my life will change according to God's will, not my will. He took me back to the step 3 prayer.

"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do this always!" Big Book, page 63

He explained to me that I could pray for myself. To pray that God would relieve me of the bondage of self. To make this part of my life. He asked me to pray for those that I still harbor resentments to. That as I pray for them, I would change, and hopefully the ones I pray for as well.

He brought me back to step one. Admitting I was powerless. That I cannot change the way I am. He asked me to remember where I was twenty months ago and see where God has brought me since. He hinted that the changes will continue, to be patient.

My sponsor hugged me. Just as I am. God loves me, just as I am. Flawed. And that's okay.

Thank you.


YamadogGirl said...

AAhhh! Your giving me God bumps this morning! Great stuff! I remember thinking I had to be perfect and looking for it in others, I was miserable. Then a friend of mine said, "Do you think God has forgiven you?" "Well, yes.", I said. She said, "He already knows every imperfect thing you are going to say, and do, and He has already forgiven you. All He wants to do is love you."

Today, I am content to know that I am NOT perfect, never will be, and don't want to be. I know that I can keep growing, and seeking Him, and try my best daily. That's all He wants for us.

Thanks for letting me share. Bless & Love,
YamaDogGirl - Kimberly

indistinct said...

Thank you for sharing. Trying to accept my imperfections will be a struggle. As you stated, "I can keep growing, and seeking Him, and try me best daily."

One day at a time, that's all I can offer. Thats all thats needed. If I go bigger, it overwhelms me.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

That simple message -- progress, not perfection -- has been one of the greatest gifts of recovery to me.

indistinct said...

One of the hardest lessons I learn. To accept myself as I am, trusting that God will change me because I I am powerless.

Thank you for sharing.