Sunday, December 9, 2007

Spiritual Axiom

Work is becoming more and more of a struggle for me. I used to love working, losing myself within it. Knowing that if I focused on work, I wouldn't have to think about anything else.

Since I've come into recovery, work doesn't have the same magic. Well, it does, but I don't want the magic to happen anymore. I can still lose myself in it. Getting caught up in the business. Solving problems, blah blah blah. Then at the end of the day, I look back and notice that I haven't thought of what God was up to, or taking time to be in the company of people. I feel disappointed with myself for doing that. I also realize that I have an obligation to my employer to do what he asks me to do.

The mantra with my employer is the same as any other big company. "More with Less." We will lay off people, and the rest that remain, you have to do your job plus what the missing employee's used to do.

So, I get angry and resentful. I feel sorry for myself. I know I have a choice. I can take it or leave it. I also have responsibility to others that I care for, so the choice isn't always about me.

I've still been pondering step 10 these past days. If I read the chapter on step 10 out of "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" it warms me repeatedly about the dangers of anger and resentment.

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.
Do I have any ground to stand on when I become angry with my employer. When I give way to my anger and let my supervisor know just what I think about the new order of business who do I hurt? The following paragraph indicates that I had just keep my mouth shut. (Anyone got duck tape?)

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. As we saw it, our wrath was always justified. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle. Other kinds of disturbances--jealousy, envy, self-pity, or hurt pride--did the same thing.
So I can't continue to go on with my attitude about my job. I have not given the recent changes a good chance. I'm still learning the systems and until I do, I can't properly gauge the work load. I also have to trust the people I work with to do their part and not take responsibility for everything.

When I get angry at work, I need to do a spot check inventory. (As suggested by YamadogGirl in her comment to my entry titled "Daily Reprieve") Why am I angry? (I think I'm being forced to do something I don't want to do!) What part of me is affected? (emotional and material security -- I don't know If I can or even want to do it. Either way, losing my job will affect me materially and emotionally.) What is my part? (I want to have control over what is happening to me. I can't accept. It's not the way I want it to be.) What is the exact nature of my short coming? (I am selfish and self-centered (and, I hate to admit it, just a bit lazy, wanting the comfortable old job)) I am like a child, stamping my feet, wanting things my way.

Acceptance is just that. My work is the way it is. All I can do is try my best. I don't need to be fearful about it. I can put it in God's hands, stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking and just try. Just for today. Thank you.

4 comments:

pat said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and sharing your words of wisdom. It means the world to me.

YamadogGirl said...

Thanks for the kuddos, but they don't go to me, but to Alcoholics Anonymous. The spot check inventory is really doing my 10th Step, I just do it all day long instead of at night only.

Here's is something you may get a kick out of?! It was given to me by a friend in the program a couple of years ago, and boy could I relate to this poem.

RESENT SOMEBODY

The moment you begin resenting a person, place or thing, you become its slave. It controls your dreams, absorbs your digestion, robs your peace of mind and good will, and takes away the pleasure of your work. It ruins your spirituality and nullifies your prayers. You cannot take a vacation without its going along!

It destroys your freedom of mind and hounds you wherever you go. There is no way to escape the person, place, or thing you resent. It is with you when you are awake, it invades your privacy when you sleep, it is close beside you when you eat, when you drive your car, and when you are on the job.

You can never have efficiency nor happiness. It influences even the tone of your voice. It requires you to take medicine for indigestion, headaches, and loss of energy. It even steals your last moment of consciousness before you go to sleep.

So, if you want to be a slave, go ahead and harbor your resentments!

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Leslie said...

Thank you for being here. I'm struggling with this spiritual axiom today and reading your post has helped. Namaste, Leslie

Anonymous said...

I so appreciate all of your comments!!
Thank you indistinct, simple and clear..