Sunday, December 23, 2007

Where lies the truth?

Some days, I start to question my realities. What is it that's really going on inside of my head, around me. My perceptions of what the truth is come into doubt. Have I been duped?

I recently experienced how God helped me to drag my butt out of the sea of self pity. I struggle daily to let go of issues I cannot control, being given insight from so many caring people. . I've been clean and sober for the past 22 months and have a heap of gratitude for what has happened when I placed my will and life into God's care. So much has changed and now my mind is wondering if I've been brainwashed by AA. The alarm bells should be flashing. The trickster is up to no good.

Tied in with that kind of thinking seems to be a lower resistance to controlling how I look at women. Their curves seem to be standing out a bit more than usual. I don't flee quite as fast as I use to. I still bail out, trying to keep my thoughts on a recovery path. My mind shoots out questions like what would normal thoughts be, how would a normal man react? The correct answer to myself would be that I am not a normal man. That I have, for years, used the female form to numb myself.

So the truth is that I am always in danger. My thinking is not normal. If I think that I am currently living an illusion, I only have to look at my past. My past was an illusion. It was a life full of self. Using alcohol and porn to make sure I didn't feel the effects of life. I was not alive. At the darkest points, I lived to escape living. I lived for me. I used. I do not want to go back to that.

So, today, my brain is looking for alternatives? I know there is no alternative. If I can justify another way to live, my brain will have invented a loop hole in my program and I will loose what I have.

The program of AA has given richly to me. A relationship with God, with family, and with the human race, much deeper than I have ever experienced before. (And all the pain that comes with those deepening relationships). I am growing and changing. We had a bunch of AAer's over for coffee and my spouses Christmas baking this morning. Fun and fellowship! I could not have done that before.

Today, I remain clean and sober. I love using the word clean to describe myself. I am clean, not feeling shame. Not feeling dirty for having debased myself with porn. I used to carry so much guilt, shame and self loathing. Clean is a marvelous word. Sober as well. Clear headed, in the moment, aware of those around me. Today, I remain a child of God. In my Higher Powers hands. In the hands of a God that nurtures, strengthens, and gives courage to face my fears. Just for today, I choose to remain that way. Tomorrow, coffee with my sponsor.

Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world. We are no longer lost and frightened and purposeless. The moment we catch even a glimpse of God's will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs. We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter. -- Twelve and Twelve, page 105

1 comment:

YamadogGirl said...

This was a very good post. I used to hate women when I first came into the program of AA. It had nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me.

I was worried you were out to take what I had, be it alcohol, date, husband, casual male friend, or whatever. I was insecure, selfish and used men for my own fulfillment or needs (usually booze and sex). I also thought that women were generally prissy, useless things just out to take what I thought I had.

What I found, was that I didn't know how to truly love people. I sure knew what lust was, just ask my ex, but not what love was. When I did my first inventory I learned how I used people, in my own selfish ways, to get what I wanted. Today, I am really learning how to truly and honestly love all people, and what that one word honestly means.

In regards to the sex issue, everyone is different. Only you can find what your principles are in this matter. My sponsor and many other women have always guided me to pages 67-69 of the Big Book, and told me to check my motives about any decision I may be making.

Today, I don't hate women, I love them and thank them for helping me on this journey. I don't use men today, and actually have honest, true friendships. Thanks for this cool new life God!

Love,
Kimberly