Monday, December 24, 2007

Who has seen the wind?

The wind has seemed to be the language of God to me. In gentle breezes, rustling leaves, sparkling diamonds on the water, the wind provides visual and audible clues to God's presence. This morning, as I looked out the window, I could see the wind leaving ripples on the water, the boughs of the tall cedars swaying in the air, the spinning of the neighbor's attic ventilators, the red Christmas ribbons on the house across the street dancing in the breeze. They all show me that God is close. The moment of observation, the hour of reading and writing early in the morning, all fill me with serenity. In the small world around me at that moment, all is at peace. A gift of being sober and clean.

The wind has also given me my greatest fears and tests. Last winter, sitting in the hot tub, dark outside, a winter storm raging around me. Listening to the fury of the winding tearing branches off the tree. I could then hear an enormous gust of wind blowing in the distance, like large locomotives flying. The noise became deeply frightening as the wind reached my place, the trees being whipped back and forth in the hands of an angry demon. At that moment, a large tree, directly behind our house started to scream in pain as the wind pushed it over, loud cracking noises came over the sound of the wind, breaking roots allowing the tree to fall faster. I was getting ready to crouch under the water at the end of tub, hoping to have the tub protect me from the falling tree when another gust of wind pushed the tree sideways, where it ended up landing in the neighbours yard, doing little damage.

There was another time, several years ago that a large gust of wind woke my spouse up at three in the morning. She got up to find out why I wasn't in bed only to discover me at my computer, drinking heavily, busy chatting with another woman. The pain I caused her, the shame I felt. That moment of clarity. Telling her I loved her, I wanted only to live with and for her, new promises made. A new start. Only to have all those promises broken again, as over time I fell once more into my addictions. That was the beginning of recovery for me. Even though it took several more years before I would end up at a treatment centre.

Today, if the wind blows hard, I feel fear. Fear of what the wind might bring. Fear of what might be. The wind, when gentle, brings peace and serenity. The unknowable wind, where does it come from, where does it go. The unknowable God. Brings serenity, also allowing pain and trial to change me, grow me. Calmness in the centre of the storm. My shelter is in God's hands. I place myself there. God is sometimes called the cloud of unknowing, since how can we possible know God. I know God's care and love. The affects of God's grace upon my life. That God allows the pain to change us.


God,

Fear keeps me trapped to self. A want for things and places and people to behave the way I want them to. Freedom comes from you, in following your will. I pray for the courage to live your way in spite of my fear. That selfishness and self seeking would slip away. That I can completely abandon my life and will over to your care.

Those that I love and care for, I place in your hands, pray that they could come to that place of surrender. To learn to love and trust you.

I thank you that I am clean and sober today. Without your hand on my life, I would never have made it here. I thank you for your powerful winds.

1 comment:

~m2~ said...

this is very, very good. you and i have had similar experiences which are eye-opening at the time, promises to never do *that thing* again, only to go deeper the next round.

how does one define insanity?

thank you for helping to pull me through on Christmas Day. the kindness of strangers who are truly brothers. who knew.