Monday, January 7, 2008

an amend

The following is a copy of a comment I made over at Sobriety Society.

The last couple of weeks I've been struggling with emotions. When I made the topic request, I had gotten to the point where I wanted off the bus and I hoped that someone would show me an easier softer way to deal with my fears.

It got into my head that if I could just work step three perfectly, then I could have perfect faith and since faith is the antidote to fear, I would no longer feel fear. There have been times in my journey of sobriety that I have wanted just that. No more feelings. No more ache of worry. No more fear of the future. No more doubt. No more self pity. No more.

When I drank, when I debased myself on the internet, I would no longer feel. The numbness of alcohol, the trance of porn would ease the pain. The best part of all that drinking was the moment I passed out or fell quickly asleep. The nothingness was my goal. Nirvana. (someone wiser than me called it "spiritual suicide") The fact that in reaching this goal caused untold pain to those I loved was not important. It really was only about me.

It's the same with these emotional storms. It becomes only about me. Poor me. It is about not being able to accept me, just as I am today. It's about escape, flailing around me, grasping for anything that will alleviate my fear. A friend told me that when I get sobriety I get life. All of it. The good and the bad. So be it. But it hurts.

My life and circumstances are what they are. I can't change them. I can't mimic others whom I believe have a perfect program so that I can be instantly relieved of my fears. In God's hands, in my Higher Power's time and way, I will slowly, subtly, simply change. I can't make the changes happen any faster. Working the program harder will not change me faster. I end up frantic, looking around for a better way to work the steps, find a better meeting, a better sponsor, seek a sponsee desperately, make the coffee, do the dishes, and end up a little crazy. Then I isolate and stir up the pity.

I ignored the warning sign and started trusting my own thinking. Bypassing my sponsor and friends. I became the director and made a bit of a mess. I did not drink, did not use. But the emotional hang over still can be felt within.

When I made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God, I committed to working the remaining nine steps. Four and five showed me how prevalent fear and self-pity and anger are in my life. Six and seven were the beginning of changing these character defects. Eight and nine where the beginning of making right, all the wrongs I did to others. Ten is showing me today that I need to make amends for becoming desperate to be free of my feelings. Eleven is having me spend time in Psalm 23. Twelve has me sharing my experience and hope.

I have done step 3. I will do step three each day that I am alive. Not my will but thy will.

I apologize to those I've used in my angst of emotions. I walk this journey with you. Not ahead of you, not behind you, not being carried by you. We.


pat said...

Thank you for such an eye opening post today.

YamadogGirl said...

You are right where you need to be and doing what your God needs of you, I think you are starting to see that, and the life that comes with it.

I know you know this, but, "Progress NOT perfection". We should try not to place so many expectations on ourselves, we only become miserable.

Thank you and Wonderful post!