Sunday, January 20, 2008

sight

This mornings Daily Reflections starts with a quote from page 87 of the big book:

As we go through the day we pause, whe agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or actions.

One of our children suggested that we all go for a hike yesterday. We all agreed and set off to explore the land behind where she lives. She already lives far off the beaten path and the old logging roads were even more out in the wilderness. The day was overcast and there was lots of wind sounds in the air. Nobody was paying attention to where we were going, everyone chatting and happy that our addicted son/sibling was with us on the hike. We had been hiking for about an hour when we realized that we had no idea of where we were or where we were headed. No one could recognize landmarks, the sun was hidden. So, what did I do? I did what I do best and started to feel fearful. Once again, I wanted to get angry and get control of the group. I wanted to be in charge. In spite of these feelings, the last thing I needed to do was what I wanted. I made a suggestion that we back track, but no one else wanted to walk the hour back, everyone thinking that we were walking a big loop and were almost back where we started. So group consensus won and off we went. At every fork, the group conscious took over deciding which way. I was silently praying (not so humbly, even angerly) that somehow God would help us. After another 45 minutes of walking, we popped out onto a main trail that was right at the base of a famous man made structure that was buried with the forest.

Knowing then where we were, we realized we were miles off track, having been walking in the wrong direction the whole time. We could see exactly where we are at that moment though, That made all the difference in the world. We then decided to simply backtrack our path. Making good time we made it back to the car with time to spare, darkness was still an hour away when we got out. God helped us find our way out in a way totally unexpected by me.

I am sure my irritation showed through at time as we tried to figure out where we were. I had to share my fears with my family, be open with what I was feeling, and at the same time not try to hurt anyone or control anyone with those feelings. I have gratitude that I am changing. I am so far from where I would like to be but so different from where I was a few months ago.

Our addicted son wanted to go back to the town where he was living last night. The place where the drugs were bought and used, the place where he was in treatment for several months, where he has using friends and recovery friends. He was invited by a recovery friend to go to a meeting at his home group. Once again, fear wants to take over, to hold him close to me, to not give him permission to go, to make sure everything is safe. I had to tell myself that I am not in control. That he needs to take responsibility for himself. I choose to tell myself, to try to vision him coming safely home from his meeting, not vision him using. I still felt fear but not as strong. He came home.

The daily reflection ends up with the following comment:

I thank my Higher Power for this world of light and truth I see when I allow it to direct my vision. I trust it today and hope it trusts me to make all the effort to find the right thought or action today.

Who's eyes do I want to use. My own sight, dark and gloomy. Or the sight that my Higher Power directs me to use, the world of light and truth.

I am thankful for:

Family that is patient with me when I start to freak out when I'm lost.

My higher power who calmly brings me closer to him/her each passing day. Letting my ego take me to painful places so that eventually I will be willing to let self-centeredness go.

For blogger friends who share their pain and their hope. (I'll never see vultures the same again.)

For my Saturday night AA meeting where the topic was "False Dependencies"

For a Higher Power that doesn't make deals.

For my wife and children.

For friends that hang in for the distance.

Thanks for letting me share.

3 comments:

YamadogGirl said...

You, your family, and your son are in my prayers.

Keep doing what you need to, and God will help you with the rest. He already is, I can see it and hear it in your writing.

Thank you for helping me today too.

Love,
Kimberly

dirtydishes said...

Look how far you have come in just the last few days. So many blessings coming out of something so trajic. It is so awesome that you are able to grow from it.

pat said...

I had to smile about the vultures. I guess my graphic decription was a bit much. Though, I guess it is better than what I use to say to my boys as they were growing up and would talk back to me. I use to tell them I was going to sew up their lips or if I was really mad, I would threaten to rip their lips off. I guess I have to now give that mother of the year award back after admitting all this. LOL.