Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A dream.

My partner and I were driving across country on a sunny but very windy day. The sky was clear blue. We decided to go off the highway, take a longer route to enjoy the view. We passed by this lake, white caps with long streamers behind them covered the lake. I pointed upwards to show my wife this guy who had been kite surfing on the lake but a great gust of wind had caught him, lifting him high into the air. The wind was pulling him higher, and it looked like he was struggling with the board, since it was dangling from only one foot. We passed around some trees and lost sight of him, catching glimpses of water through the trees as we drove around. As the area became more wooded, the lake falling far behind us, I was looking across a clearing to a large clump of mature maples. They were leafless.

The kite surfer appeared again, free falling into the trees, his kite just a bunch of rags flapping behind him. He fell at high velocity into the trees, bouncing off the branches, breaking some as he disappeared into the base of the clump.

My spouse jumped out to give some aid, running across the clearing to the trees, I remained by the car to call 911 and show the first responders where to go when they arrived. The woman who answered my call asked me where I was and I had no idea. I tried to describe the area but that didn't help. I didn't know what road I was, what the road was that we turned off of, nor where the road we were on was heading. I ran up the road, looking for some identification, a sign, another house. I ran for a ways, finding nothing, worried that the battery was going to die on my cell.

I choose to run the other way, looking for help, and as I approached our car, I saw my spouse running across the opening towards me. What's taking so long for the help?, she asked. I told her I was lost and could not direct help to the area. She was frustrated and told me to hurry up becuase the guy was so close to death. I kept running and running, following every driveway, every lead, looking for something that would help tell the 911 operator where we were. I tried so hard, even once breaking into a house, finding it full of crazy people, non able to help me. I ran more and more, further a field.

In the dream I realized there was no way I could find my way back to the car. Somehow I knew
the kite surfer had died, due to me not being able to find my way. I could not find my spouse, I could not find anything.

The dream haunts me. Reminds me of parts of my past life. Of wanting to help, but unable to
do anything. Of being powerless. I have frantically tried to help my addicted child. Idea after idea after idea. All the idea's failing. The panic, the fear, driving me further and further. Even as I wrote out the dream it seems like my heart rate increased. Seemed so real at the time.

I am powerless. Over my own addictions and alcoholism. Over anyone else's, no matter how much I love and care for them. When the pain of drinking became greater than the pain of facing life, I started to change. I had reached a bottom and reached out for help. To people at first and then to God. Today, I know that God works through people. I don't have to look far for help.

I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I turned my will and life over to the care of a power greater than myself. Through the remaining steps I can see how my life was ruled by fear and self-pity. That I didn't have to live that way anymore.

I still struggle with fear. I also know that most of my fears are based on wild imaginings. Not the truth. That I can turn my thoughts to the positive. That this is a good use of will power. I am happy that I am found in AA because AA led me to the hands of a loving God. Who is becoming a rock that I can stand on. My life no longer needs to be trouble free so that I would know that God loves me. My life is full of troubles and it's not the sign of an angry God. It's a sign that I'm living life, like millions around me, and facing the pain with the numbing of the bottle.

I am grateful for:

my sobriety
for a relationship with a loving God
for family
for my marriage
for my children who are teaching me so much.
for the love I feel for all my children
that I only have to live in today.
that I don't have to chase my tail


Anonymous said...

I really like how you said "My life no longer needs to be trouble free to know that God loves me." That really shows growth.

Funny thing is, I have had similar dream scenarios with the house full of crazy people!! Who are those guys anyway?

dAAve said...

A powerful dream.