Saturday, January 19, 2008

fear

This mornings Daily Reflections quoted page 16 of the big book:

Faith has to work twenty four hours a day in and through us, or we perish.

Our addicted child was released from the hospital yesterday, the hospital believing that the child is not a danger to their self. The addicted loved one is now living with us. When I heard this while I was at work yesterday, the fear just ripped through me.

I spend a lot of time writing about my fears. Since I started writing this blog last November, it has been the main topic in my life. Fear has deteriorated the quality of my sobriety. Trying to control it, manage it, finding little tricks to lessen it, thought I was ready to have my Higher Power remove this short coming, asked God to remove it (just not sure if I was humble or demanding), just to have it reoccur over and over and over again. Fear has been my companion since I was a child. I am powerless over fear.

I write about it, hoping that something will happen to my thinking while I write. That some new concept will suddenly flash into my thoughts, that I would then be relieved from the burden of fear. Never happened yet.

My sponsor has told me repeatedly that time takes time. That I need to spend time in the program of AA for the small simple changes to take place in my life. To be patient.

Pat says that she believes in hope. I tend to dwell on the worst case most of the time. Loosing this child to addiction. Seeing the child's hopelessness and making it mine. Today, our son is alive and in our house. There is hope. One of my daughters suggested that when I am fearful, to take the energy of that fear and turn it into hope. To think of the positive outcomes that maybe possible instead of the negative outcomes that maybe possible.

I awoke a few times during the night. My thoughts instantly on our son. I turned them. I envisioned him in recovery with a smile on his face. I saw his wedding day. I saw the children that he might father. I saw him helping others with his own experience. I saw his learning to deal with his own fears without having to numb. As I purposely thought these thoughts, the fear would be quenched. I could actually feel peaceful, even if just for a few brief moments.

I also practised seeing him in the hands of a loving God. One who wants the best, who can nurture and change, a God who is both mother and father. A God who can transform a life full of drugs and pain and let that person into the sunlight. (Just like what God did for me.)

As I write these words I can feel hopeful.

What do I have gratitude for today?

That our son is still with us.

That I could witness our family pull together with love and support for my son.

The depth of the love that my children have for each other.

That I could sit with family and have open meaningful conversation about emotion.

That my friends in AA are a shield of support around me.

That the friends I have made blogging understand, care, and help.

That I am clean and sober today.

That I have a Higher Power in my life that love and cares for all, even those that refuse to acknowledge that truth. I guess that would be unconditional love.

That even in one of my dreams last night, I had gratitude for what those 12 steps have done for me.

That I am not alone.

Thank you for letting me share.

3 comments:

pat said...

Try not to be afraid of the fear when it over takes you. Try to work through it by replacing each negative thought with a positive thought. This takes practice. Believe it or not, I did not always have hope. I had to learn it from someone else. I was so afraid that my son would die, that he would die alone out on the streets and his body would not be identified for months. I spent nights driving through some of the worse drug infested neighborhoods searching for him without even caring for my own safety. I reacted instead of acted. It was so horrible. Then one day while at a meeting, I fell apart and afterwards one woman approached me and spoke with me. She told me I needed to have faith and if I did not have faith I needed to pray for it. My world started to turn around that day. Prior to that, I made myself sick. I spent 6 days in the hospital with an ulcer. I was a mess. My son will celebrate his 26th birthday this Friday. He started doing drugs at 16, started doing heroin at 22. He almost died twice. Today, he is on methadone and though this is the only thing that has kept him off of heroin, he is still addicted but now to methadone. I try to live one day at a time and when he celebrates 26 yrs this week, I will celebrate another year of his life. Birthdays are so much more special now since I cannot take for granted he will be here next year.I love how you listed the things you are grateful for because that is replacing the negative with the positive. I am sending you my support "via" internet. Take care.

dAAve said...

I think that your attitude will determine how much your fear controls you.
Fear is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be used to your advantage, but (in my humble opinion) you've got to adjust your attitude towards it.
Being sober and remaining sober gives you that opportunity.
Thanks for sharing.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I struggle with fear too. Sometimes I am able to stay in the moment and not worry about the future and keep that fear away -- but sometimes I get caught up in all the "what ifs" and that is when I find my fear really owns me.