Thursday, January 31, 2008

motive

I've been trying hard to stay in the moment, to be mindful of my Higher Power every time I feel fearful, to not let yesterday cloud my today.

Yesterday morning, I was so determined to walk as I understand God wants me to walk. I lasted at work all the way to 8:05 a.m. At the morning meeting with our crew, I quickly became angry at my supervisor and at some of the crew members. So much for giving up control. I butted heads with another member of the crew later on over work assignments. I felt on edge, fearful. It spilled into the evening, wanting to do things my way, creating some tension between my spouse and I.

I tried again today. To treat others as i want to be treated. In a book I'm reading, it was put as "Since I want to experience peace, Love, and forgiveness, these are the only gifts I would offer other." So most times, when talking or interacting with another person, I thought of how I could treat this person as God would want me to. As the day went on, I seemed to get a measure of happiness. Most of the day went okay.

But now, as I sit down, reviewing the day, I wonder of the reality of it all. I thought that maybe the day was just me pretending everything was okay. That all this effort to change my thinking is a facade.

I understand that my perceptions filter how I see the day. Do I choose to see the day through my eyes or through God's eyes. I do know that at the end of today, I did not have to make amends to anyone. Yesterday, there was a couple that I had to make.

I really like this paragraph out of the Twelve and Twelve on step 10:

When evening comes, perhaps just before going to sleep, many of us draw up a balance sheet for the day. This is a good place to remember that inventory-taking is not always done in red ink. It's a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right. As a matter of fact, the waking hours are usually well filled with things that are constructive. Good intentions, good thoughts, and good acts are there for us to see. Even when we have tried hard and failed, we may chalk that up as one of the greatest credits of all. Under these conditions, the pains of failure are converted into assets. Out of them we receive the stimulation we need to go forward. Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A's can agree with him, for we know that the pains of drinking had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity.


The depths of pain I felt at the end of my drinking career helped propel me into sobriety. Into become a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I understand that all the struggles I have with my emotions will eventually lead me into serenity. At all the meetings that I've attended this week, I've heard some folk speak of how long it took before they received a good measure of serenity. So I guess I still have lots to grow into the program. As my sponsor says, "time takes time." I've already received so much since I've come to A.A. The promises are starting to come true. The struggles we experience draw us closer to God. One day at a time.

I feel like I'm rambling. Struggling with my thoughts.

I'll keep on trying to trust God. Keep trying to give my sobriety away so I can keep it. Baby steps.

3 comments:

pat said...

You are clearly over-thinking things. Stop. Take a breathe. Focus. All will be as it is suppose to be.

dAAve said...

I often have to remember that I can restart my day -- at any time of the day. All it takes is a moment of prayer, asking my HP to guide me in letting things go.

indistinct said...

Hi Pat, I'm breathing again. I was getting a little messed when I was typing this up. Thanks for the reminder.

Hi daave, some days I just take myself way to serious. to do a ctrl-alt-delete and start over never seems to enter my mind. Thanks for sharing.