Thursday, January 3, 2008

Termites

We were studying step four out of the twelve and twelve last night. As we read through the chapter, when it was my turn, I read the following

All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right. Then fear, in turn, generates more character defects. Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust for sex and power, to be angry when our instinctive demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions of others seem to be realized while ours are not. We east, drink and grab for more of everything than we need, fearing we shall never have enough. And with genuine alarm at the prospect of work, we stay lazy. We loaf and procrastinate, or at best work grudgingly and under half steam. These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build. Twelve and Twelve, page 49

When I made it through New Years day, and doing a review of that day, I seemed to get a high altitude view of my life. Looking over that vista, I could see so much fear and self-pity over the landscape. In the past twenty months, the impact of fear and self-pity have lessened but are still capable of strongly influencing my actions and thinking.

I can still get strongly caught up in the currents of such emotion. When I am stuck in those feeling I concentrate on doing the right actions in spite of the feelings, but according to my spouse it is not a pretty sight. I guess my feelings come out pretty clearly.

But, as Kimberly commented on my "feelings" post, the feelings do pass. I don't have to be stuck in them. As I talk and share and be honest and open and willing, the truth does seep in. My fears are not based on reality, just imagination. Daave suggested that I read step 3 out of the twelve and twelve each day for the next couple of weeks and I think I will. Turning my thinking and actions over to God are the best thing for me. Especially my thinking. Thank you, you two, for your suggestions.

The suggested program of recovery from Alcoholics Anonymous is a God send. It shows me so much about myself and offers solutions for change. While, to this alcoholic that wants everything now, the changes occur over time, the changes come. I could live in self pity for months. I had felt deep unending sadness for years. I don't feel that way anymore. I can get stuck in it for a day or so, but the sun does shine again. I am blessed that I travel this road with so many others. That we are not alone. That I can rest in God's hands. That I am loved.

God does not force anything upon me. I can choose what ever path I want to travel. When I choose to turn my back upon God and go my own way, I fall back into old, well learned, behaviours. When I try the new tools shown me, I can grow and change.

Thank you.

2 comments:

johno said...

I love the termites quote, I relate so much, thanks for the reminder

Happy new year :)

pat said...

Amazing eye opener. Thanks.