Thursday, January 17, 2008

unknown

A child of mine tried to end their life this week. The pain of living, of fighting the addiction, of difficult relationships, of just being alive, overwhelmed my child. A mind clouded with darkness, the drugs taking thoughts to unknowable places. This child is an addict. Our child has been in treatment twice. Is in a relationship that gives so much pain to the two of them but they seem unable to end it.

I don't know what to write. I could speak of the pain and fear this event has caused our family. About how difficult is has to do the right things in spite of our fear. I could write of the love and support that is given to us. From family, from church, from AA, from the medical community, from the addictions unit of the local mental health group. From the kindness shown by the RCMP officer who showed up at our door when we called 911 to have our child brought to the hospital. So many details are sharp in my memory.

I am afraid. My family is afraid.

There is no way to ensure a happy ending. I am powerless. I have no control. We have no choice but to trust in the doctors and nurses at this time. I need to put more trust in the hands of my Higher Power. We prayed so hard the night our child disappeared. My spouse contacted grand parents and church friends and asked them to pray. They in turn, asked others to pray. Our child was surrounded by a big cloud of pray as the child attempted to end their life. That child is still alive. Maybe there is no more antidote for my fear, I am trusting God as well as I can in these circumstances and the fear is just to be lived with.

The January 15th reading out of the "Daily Reflections" started off with this quote out of the big book.

With few exceptions out members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power great than themselves. -- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp.567-68 (version unknown)


Doing the right things in spite of the fear comes from this unexpected resource. Being able to face what has come our way without hiding in the bottom of a bottle, without porning to numb my mind, without becoming angry at every person, every institution, because they are doing it all wrong. Without having to believe only in me. Doing this with others is a new experience for me. I still have to watch my anger, I still have a need to do everything my way, but I am getting much better at letting go and accepting. Especially accepting that I don't have the answers.

If you, the reader, are a prayer, could you please pray for our child. I'm beginning to believe that it's the best thing we can do.

Thank you.

5 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

How terrible and frightening. I am so sorry for the pain you child and your family are going through now. You all are in my thoughts.

dirtydishes said...

I will be praying to God that this child has suffered enough. Not having children of my own, I cannot fathom what you are going through right now. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family

dAAve said...

Sending spiritual thoughts your way.

Moanna said...

My sister has attempted suicide four times so I know something of what you're going through. But can't imagine the pain if it's your child at risk. My thoughts are with you.

pat said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I am so sorry your child had to go through this. Thank God,he survived. I know this fear. I have experienced this fear and I know it is the worse thing a parent can feel. Horrible. Sickly. Like someone tore your heart out. Hang in there my friend.