Wednesday, February 27, 2008

response

It was in this quiet interlude that a "moment electric" occurred in my life -- a God-given new awareness. The wings of the spirit were unfurled and ever since I have been learning to use these wings.

I have learned that others grow these wings more slowly, without a "moment electric," and that theirs still are strong and beautiful. I have also learned that others have been given this experience and then have thrown their wings away, because they mistakenly thought that the Absolute would sustain them automatically. I weep for them, because they did not gather that half the beauty of a gift lies in the manner in which it is received. They did not respond. (Came to believe, page 65)

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself when I got up in the morning. I was living outside the day, thinking of the future. Of how I need to work the steps for the rest of my life. In my evening reading, I read the above mentioned passage.

How do I respond to the wonderful gift that has been given me? That moment, while at a treatment centre I turned to God and placed myself in my Higher Power's hands. That moment when the obsession to drink was lifted, the obsession to view pornography, to chat was gone. That moment, almost two years ago, that changed my life. That moment where all the shame I had felt was lifted. When the words "clean and sober" took on a whole new meaning. Feeling clean on the inside, not hating nor despising myself. Where I found the courage to go on living in spite of sadness and then found years of depression were lifted from me. How I choose to be as honest, open, and willing as I could be. Where my marriage began to heal. Relationships with family started to rebuild. How do I respond?

30 years ago, I was given a similar gift. I had no control over my drinking, so switch to pot. I quickly moved to a time where I was high from when I got up to when I went to bed and I thought I was managing. I had a spiritual experience at the age of 23. Flushing my stash down the toilet, I believed that God had cured me. That a magic wand had been waved and my desires would never return. I knew nothing about addiction at that time. Never dreamed I should find A.A. I was safe in God's arms. I was loved and cared for by a power infinitely greater than me. I was safe. I did nothing but revel in those thoughts. Within two months I relapsed. The day following my relapse, my wife was in a serious automobile accident, she should have been dead. In my wisdom, I believed it was God telling me that if I relapsed, he would take my spouse from me. I was full of fear. That fear motivated me for years. I struggle with depression from then on till I entered that treatment centre. (over 25 years). I obsessed over work, over religion, over any of my hobbies. Eventually, I could rationalize drinking again.

Today, I know I have to do the work in response to what God has done for me. I need to do that work each and every day that I am alive. Gratitude is a wonderful response. Doing service work is another. Sharing my hope and experience with others. Writing, reading, meditating, praying, thinking of others before me are all appropriate responses. I keep on doing my part to hold on to my recovery. I grow, I change. Slowly, simply, and subtly.

God's part was done in my life. I get to do my part. Each day's response keeps me sober for one more day. I choose to allow God to be the director. I don't do it well, but I am learning.

Thanks for letting me share.

No comments: