Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Not alone

I spoke with my grand-sponsor the day I wrote my previous entry, my sponsor being away on vacation. He also warned about being overly tired from the long hours I have been working. How our thoughts tend to slide the wrong way. I'm once more aware of how much work it takes to keep our thoughts aligned with what the 12 steps suggest. It is so much easier to fall into self-pity than make the effort to ask what God's will would be. Easier just to sit and stew than pick up the phone and share. Easier to walk away than spend the time listening to someone else in similar circumstances. Easier to isolate, to start to enter that hard place within myself where no one can hurt me. After all, I am a rock, you know. When I'm tired, I don't want to be honest, open and willing. It makes me feel especially vulnerable.

Yesterday was just a regular day of only 9 hours. It was very nice. Came home and spent the evening with my family. We played games most of the night. Lots of laughter and banter. Felt like heaven.

Going to a meeting tonight. I'm excited about it. I was asked by a fellow member to present his cake. A guy with whom I worked the steps with last fall with. A big book study. A group of about 8 men went through the big book step by step, working each step as we went through. It took about 5 months. You sure learn a lot about others and ourselves in such a study. It was a gift.

So my head occasionally drift of to what I'm going to say tonight. I keep telling myself to keep it simple, that it's not about me and how well I speak. It's about the fellow taking the cake presenting his experience, hope, and strength. Did I mention I was excited?

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. (Page 85 of the Big Book)

I made it through the shutdown. I made the amends I needed to make because I was irritable and cranky. Today, I choose to walk clean and sober in the fellowship of God and of my friends and family. I am grateful I can write these words.

Thanks for letting me share.

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