Saturday, February 9, 2008

powerless

Step one reads that we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I went over to read "Stray Thoughts on Life". Kimberly had posted an entry called "God doesn't give me what I want". She wrote of the very recent death of her husband. She shared her pain and her strength. She wrote of her trust in God, her faith and hope. She is in our prayers, that God would surround her by Love, ever leading her closer to the Creator.

Her post renewed my hopes and helped me see my fears.

My fears in that the same could happen to our family. We were so close to loosing a loved one to addiction a few weeks ago. The fear of that rises easily from within me. That fear is the start of being controlling and faithless. I would want to take this child, wrap him up in a bundle of soft cotton, lock him up in the closet and only then would I feel safe. My fear would only create more havoc and chaos. I work at seeing my addicted child differently. Instead of letting the memory of past events create a fearful future, I see him as an addict just like me. Today, I am clean and sober. Today, I believe that my son is clean and sober. Today, we both have everything we need. I pray that God will bring us both to a place of surrender, a place where our faith and trust in God will bring the serenity we desire. I pray that I would stay out of the way. I've said this prayer many many times. I have gratitude for my sponsor for teaching me this simple powerful prayer.

The prayer reminds me that I am powerless. I cannot bring this child into recovery. I have no guarantee that he will live to a ripe old age. That's between God and my child. I can pray and I can hope. I can trust.


I have hope because of what Kimberly wrote as well. How her journey through a 12 step program has led her to God. How she is surrounded by people who love and support. How, no matter what calamities befall us, we are not ever alone. (If we choose not to be.) In her pain and anguish, she teaches me. I saw the same at the memorial service I attended last week. It's the connections with people, with God, that are the most important.

I am an alcoholic. I have the same potential to relapse and die. I choose each day to walk in sobriety, to walk hand in hand with God. Each time I have struggled with staying on this journey, if I turned my will aside, listened to the suggestions and reached out for help, I could stay on this journey. There have been times when I refused to reach out, feeling so sorry for myself, that people reached out to me at the darkest time and pulled me back into the sunlight. We do this together.

From the May 29th reading of "Courage to Change":

Today I will recognize that worries can be potent and mind-altering. I choose not to indulge in them at all.

"I am not afraid of storms for I am leaning how to sail my ship." Louisa May Alcott

3 comments:

pat said...

I guess none of us know nor are suppose to know what God has in plan for any of us. Sometimes the road we travel on is filled with pot holes but as long as we can get out of the hole with little or no damage then I guess we are ok. I understand your fear about your son because it is one I had with my own son. Now, I fear he will fall off the wagon so to speak. This disease of addiction has affected so many of us in so many ways.

dirtydishes said...

It seems like when I stop trying so hard to figure out what God's plan is for me, life seems to get a little smoother. That's when I know I have been really turning it over. Then when I realize it, I start trying to figure it out again! Oh,well.

indistinct said...

Thank you, pat and dirtydishes for your support. I am always amazed at the depth of understand that comes from other sojourners of 12 step programs. The strength and wisdom from the "power of we", so to speak.

It's awesome not to be alone.