Thursday, February 14, 2008

Changes

This morning I am struck with the spirituality of AA. How important it is to have a Higher Power directing my life. In this mornings daily reflections, the reading opened with a quote from page 98 of the big book:

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

I am grateful that somehow God broke through the walls I had build around me. I had build these walls out of fear, to protect myself. Those same walls created a terrible isolation, leaving me a lonely man, even though I was surrounded by people who loved me. When I imagine that place that used to exist in the centre of me I now see a damp dim cave. Littered with broken glass. Tattered peeling pin-ups falling from the walls. A place of sadness and depression. Never able to protect me from the pain I was trying to flee. God broke down those walls when I had just the tiniest bit of willingness.

In the chapter of the Big Book called "More about Alcoholism" I find the following:

"Then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully. Though I had been only a nominal churchman, their proposals were not, intellectually, hard to swallow. But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be.

"Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems. I have since been brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could."
The emphasis is mine. While I was in treatment and in the months that followed I did feel like I was being taken apart and put back together again. This process is still happening today. Lifelong conceptions thrown out the window. Lies lost and truth given. New foundations laid. It is the most marvellous gift given to me. I am learning that the more I give this gift away, the more I receive.

I am grateful to be in the hands of a loving, compassionate God. A God who cares deeply for us.

I am grateful for the program of AA in that through working the steps I could break down those walls between God and I.

I am grateful that I could learn to trust other folk. To realize that they wanted the best for me, not to harm me.

I am grateful for the love and affection of my family. Our children, my spouse. To be able to accept that is a wonderful gift.

I am grateful that I can love them in return. To be there for them as a father, as a friend.

Thank you.

2 comments:

pat said...

You have a great day, my friend.

dirtydishes said...

Is'ent it amazing how sobriety opens our eyes, and let's us see all the gifts that God has given us, that we could barely acknowledge before? My walls are coming down too. Of course I wanted to bulldoze it right over, but God's way is little by little, brick by brick, step by step, to make sure a thorough job is done. He puts people and situations in my path that show me what part of my wall needs to chinked away,at that moment.