Tuesday, March 11, 2008


My spouse was away for the weekend. She was off to the big city with all our daughters to go shopping. They, by all reports, had a fun time.

I went to a couple of AA meetings over the weekend, taking the opportunity to get a couple extra in while my spouse was away. My son and I attended them together. 'Twas very nice. We had supper with a fellow I did treatment with who took his 2 year cake. Another privilege we shared. The weekend went well until Sunday.

I attend church with my wife on Sunday mornings and thought I might venture out on my own to the service. As I got there, I started to feel afraid and out of place. I entered the building, sat myself down and proceeded to feel lonely amongst all these people I knew. While I am not a Christian in the classical sense, I feel a oneness with this church. I've written before how it seems like the pastor guy is using the Big Book for his source. But this past Sunday, sitting by my self, I got a little strung out. As I became fearful, I wanted to get out. I wasn't about to let myself do that because I knew I had nothing to fear. Then I became a little angry in that no one was reaching out to me, poor me. Don't they know how lonely and fearful I feel, sitting in their midst.

As I let these feelings steep, there was a tiny little flash in my mind. I remembered that none of these people are responsible for me. Only I am. If I want to interact with folk, then I need to reach out and meet them where they are. If I want to change, to grow, to become a little less fearful, then I am responsible. No one else is. I was reminded that when I came into recovery, the growth didn't happen till I took responsibility for me life. To make the right choices. To surrender my will. I did that. No one else did it for me.

Why was I feeling lonely? Because I was waiting. Why was I fearful? Because my needs were not being met. Gandhi wrote "Be the change you want to see in the world." If I want people to reach out, I need to be the one with my hand extended. If I want acceptance, then accepting of others is what I am. If I want change, then change I need to be.

I am responsible for how I feel and behave. I can't blame God or others. No matter how uncomfortable I feel at times, only I can change me. Usually just by giving up and letting God. But it's still my choice.

Thanks to all those that encouraged me to keep on blogging. I've decided to keep going for a bit. Fear is a poor reason to stop.

Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves - Friedrich Nietzsche


pat said...

Sounds like you may have had a classic anxiety attack. My guess is that you may have had them before and they are pretty damn scarey.

Someone once told me it was OK to feel uncomfortable because that was all it was "a feeling". So now when I become stressed then fearful followed by panic, I tell myself it is only a feeling and it will pass. It has helped me. Maybe it can help you. People who have panic attacks can have perfectly wonderful days. It is something that just happens because our unconscious is not on the same page as our conscious. I think it is great that you are writing about it because journaling helps clarify things.

Anonymous said...

Yeh!! I am so glad you are staying. Great post. "Be the change you want to see in the world" I love that, you actually applied it!

indistinct said...

Panic attack? perhaps. Just plain being afraid? I like to stop the painful feelings without having to face them. Blogging helps me face them. Feed back from others helps me face them and understand them.

I'm going to blog for a bit more. See how it goes.

Thanks for all your support!!!!!