Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Thirty

Thirty years ago I said "I do". Promising to be faithful to the woman standing beside me. I was deeply in love with her and saw her as making my life complete. Trouble was, I didn't fully disclose myself to her. My vision at that time was that the marriage would help me to stop smoking pot and that we would live happily forever after. Didn't turn out that way.

With God's help I did stop smoking pot. I didn't think I was an addict, didn't understand what was happening to me. I lived with the "ism's" for a lot of years. Depression, anger, fear, control issues, ego, me, me, me. There were certainly lots of good times, but I was a difficult man to live with.

We raised our children. Each one unique. Each one growing and changing in their own way. At our thirtieth anniversary party, all our children were there. I could see what each one is, I can see them still changing and growing. I love each one deeply. Not a boring one in the lot.

As I grow along in my journey of sobriety, I start to see the past differently. I was never the man I thought I was. I cannot make up for th wrongs I committed while I was being driven by fear. My relationship with God, with the world, was fear based. "If I fuck up one more time, God will tkae my spouse from me", kind of thinking. Try to please God, please people, build up walls to protect me, my family. If only we did this or that ad naseum. Eventually, I return to chemical means for protection, after learning that pornography and chat could provide the same numbness. When I started to believe that I could not prevent troubles from befalling my children and that God would not protect us from the pain of the world, I began to drink more and more.I felt safe when I was under the influence. Even that stopped working at the end. Fear and depression filled my life.

Three years ago, someone started to knock on the walls that protected me. I started to give up and let go. Two years ago, I could acknowledge that I am an alcoholic. One year ago, the realization of the depths of my character defects came upon me. I am on a journey of change. Slowly, simply, subtly, God helps to change me. One day at a time.

I am feeling very blessed to be still married to that woman. I put deep scars on our relationship. Through it all and up to this day, she sees things in me and about me that I don't or can't see. Today, there is healing as we live life on life's terms, not my terms. Allowing myself to scooped up into God's hands, while realizing there is no guarantee of safety and security, give me a place to trust and accept whatever befalls us on the journey.

The best parts of the past thirty years are the parts that we did together. As a couple, as a family. When life was about we, life was rich and full. Thanks for letting me share.

4 comments:

dAAve said...

I am sure your wife is really enjoying the new adventure you are expriencing.

pat said...

Thanks for sharing this very special part of you.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Happy Anniversary to you and your wife. I know that each anniversary with my husband since he began recovery has been sweeter because we are growing together.

dirtydishes said...

Great Post. Congrats on 30 years, sounds like you have one heck of a lady there. God Bless you all.