Sunday, March 9, 2008

To blog?

Almost three years ago I started to keep a journal. In it, I recorded my struggles with fears and my struggles to let go. The entries reflect the events which happen in our family and my reactions to them. The journal also records my struggle with accepting that I am an alcoholic. That I needed to move from Alanon to AA. That I was one of them. (Today, I am happy and grateful to be one of "them")

The feel of pen on paper, the process of scribing, laying down a thin layer of ink on a fibrous mat, seeing my thoughts and feelings sprawled across the page, are part of my awakening. As I continue on our journey, my writing reflects the continuous resistance to change.

As I continued to fill up journals, one of my daughters giving me extraordinarily fine blank books each father day, I wished for more. I wanted someone to read what I was writing. So, I started a blog.

Got a book from the library to show the way, set up the blog with all the necessary tools, and started clicking away. I continued to write in my journal but also started to get used to the feel of resistance and release from the keys on my computer. I shared the link with my spouse and my children. Thinking that there shouldn't be secrets in my life. That my struggles with addiction and co-dependency should be open for all to see. That we would all grow together.

This past week I've struggled with that. I've quit posting while trying to resolve issues within my thoughts. How open and personal can I be about my children's struggles in this open forum? Can I share the feelings that bubble up as I try to let go and not intervene? Do I lay my families personal issues on this table before everyone? Does it help anyone? Does it harm anyone?

When people like Micky come in, I feel threatened. Fear has often been the motivator in my life and my most common reaction is flight. Either away from the source of fear or into a bottle or other addictive behaviour.

I don't know if I should continue or not. In both the readings from "Daily Reflections" and "Courage to Change" spoke of finding God's will for our lives. The idea's I took away this morning are that if direction is not clear then just wait. (or go ahead and make a decision, whatever way it comes out, God will use it to cause us to grow).

If it was just about me, I would continue to write. Since others are involved, I pause.


pat said...

I understand your struggle. I have had the same one. However, when you share your pain and your struggle you not only help yourself but others as well. Share as much as feels comfortable. Avoid specific details. Name no names but share and express and do not allow the likes of Micky to change who you are. There are a lot of distrubed people out there in the world but I believe there are many more sane and good ones. I for one love to read what you have to say. You inspire me. Take care.

Anonymous said...

Indistinct, I personally do not put all my "stuff" out there for the world to read, but if it is something that I need feedback on, or something that I think may help someone else, then I put it out there. Like your self, I have chosen anonymity, and I like having that comfort zone. We have all been attacked from time to time, I chose to ignore it. Whatever your decision, it is up to you. If you do go, I hope you do it for the right reasons. You will be missed. You have helped me on more than one occation, in your posts and with the comments you leave on my blog. The other day on "Irish Friend of Bill" I read something, and it has been running through my mind, and has helped me this week, she said, "Things are never as good or bad as they seem." God Bless.

Anonymous said...

Indistinct, your honesty in relaying your journey has helped me in my sobriety, particularly with issues of fear and letting go. I found your blog through a google search and have been checking in every couple of days or so for a month. It is good stuff. You are helping more people than you may realize. Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for being there.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I struggle with the same issues -- and I choose to blog under a pseudonym so that I will have greater freedom to share. Most commenters are wonderful and supportive, but the ones (like Micky) who aren't can really make me want to shut down. I appreciate you being here -- and your honesty.