Saturday, April 12, 2008

surrender

Vacation always brings out the best of me. I get moody, restless, and irritable. Throw in home renovations and the battle for supremacy of religious beliefs and you get someone that no one wants to be with. I don't even want to be with me.

Installed a new vanity into a three sided nook with minimal damage to the walls and to the counter top. Spilt a litre of paint onto the tiled floor. Argued over colour and hardware arrangements. Why are there so many home renovation shows on television? (I don't enjoy doing them but if we don't do them, there's not enough money to hire someone, so they wouldn't get done).

For the past week, all my character defects have been out for everyone to see. All my underwear, hanging on the line.

No point in bitching to my sponsor, he'll talk about self acceptance and "time takes time." Lamenting at a meeting might be fun but I don't want to be accused of looking for a fix of pity. A pouting expression on a older gentleman doesn't look good, what might people think? Punching the wall hurts too much, throwing tools is to darn expensive, and I've no place to run away to. Complain to my spouse? She'd laugh out of the house. Pray about it? I've been asking God to change me my whole life so that's not going to change anything, and besides, I don't feel like it.

Then, this morning, I'm reading the alanon book "Courage to Change" and I read the following line:

Heaven forbid that I should surrender, accept my discomfort, and pray for guidance.

Surrender, acceptance, prayer. I am who I am, and that's all that I am. God won't sprinkle magic dust over my head to change me, I get to live with me. Learn to do the right things in spite of my feelings. Why is this advice so hard to take?

Our immediate temptation will be to ask for specific solutions to specific problems, and for the ability to help other people as we have already thought they should be helped. In that case, we are asking God to do it our way. Therefore, we ought to consider each request carefully to see what its real merit is. Even so, when making specific requests, it will be well to add to each one of them this qualification: ". . . if it by Thy will." We ask simply that throughout the day God place in us the best understanding of His will that we can have for that day, and that we be given the grace by which we may carry it out. Twelve and Twelve, page 102

To do the right thing, no matter what I'm feeling is important. With my Higher Power, as I understand God to be, giving direction, it's suggested that I follow that direction and not follow the whims of my moods.

I am grateful for:
  • my sponsor, he's been away on vacation has returned. His hope and experience help me.
  • For the new comer I shared with.
  • For the newly sobered guy who's bewildered that his wife is leaving him, that I can spend time with him.
  • For the program of AA, that saved my life and our marriage.
  • For people who can laugh when I share reminding me to lighten up.
  • That I have enough skills to do home renovations.
  • That I still have two more weeks of vacation.
  • That I spent an afternoon with my son out on the boat, catching prawns and crabs.
  • The sun is shining today, supposed to get nice and warm.

2 comments:

dirtydishes said...

Don't get mad, but I giggled a couple of times in this post. We just got done remodeling a kitchen,it took almost 3 months.tee hee, I am so with you brother. And, hey, the underwear on the line, well I guess I am just really immature. tee hee,thanks for sharing. Clean underwear though, right?

dAAve said...

In situations like this, the Serenity Prayer works wonders (for me).