Wednesday, May 21, 2008

acceptance and surrender

I'm still here. Still clean and sober.

Just haven't been writing at this spot. My journal is a lot fatter and I'm doing a lot of self recognition. I am beginning to realize that when I struggle, it's a struggle with me. My own perceptions and ideas at conflict.

Acceptance and surrender go together. If I accept things as they are, then I surrender my expectations. If I can't accept, struggling to change things, then I am trying to exert my will.

My will usually involves the easier, softer way. Witnessing one of my children struggle is painful for me. I don't like pain (but who does?). I've worked hard at numbing away pain my whole life. I want God to magically intervene. If struggle continues, I want to blame my Higher Power. (Funny, how at this point I see God as masculine.) I think then that God is cruel. I feel fearful and angry. Fragments of old beliefs threaded through my new ones.

A Higher Power is just that, someone wiser and stronger than I. So, however the Creator chooses to weave out the tapestry of life, I am only a spectator. I am powerless. My attempts at controlling, at affecting change in others, fail. Accepting that God does, whatever She does, bearing in mind that He does this from a position of compassion, love, and a wisdom that I'll never fathom, is the best way for me to live. My Higher Power is full of patience. It is best for me not to question everything. Somehow, through lots of painful events, I stumbled into sobriety. Mysterious ways.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

A book I was reading asked me to imagine what it would be like to surrender everything. To give up responsibility. To give up everything. The writer asked me to describe how that would feel to me. I imagined it to be floating. All the weight that I carry would be gone. All the tension in my shoulders and back would evaporate. The light around me would be bright, pure. The air would be crystalline. It would be like snuggling into God's hands.


Anonymous said...

Great Post and worth waiting for. I am glad you still here! Sounds like you have been doing some work, thats great too!

pat said...

So glad to see you writing again.

indistinct said...

Thanks for your warm support. I'm hoping to stay for a while. At least for now.

Chirptweet said...

I really like how you described the feeling of having surrendered everything..sounds like a good place to me : )

Chirptweet said...

I really like how you described what it'd feel like to surrender everything...sounds like a good place to me : )