Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Rage and acceptance

Anger and self-pity. Roiling around within me tonight. I've had enough. The b.s. at work, the struggles of those around me, trying to come to grips with my fears, trying to understand my defects of character. Tonight, I just want to tell the world to fuck off and leave me alone.

I understand I am an alcoholic, an addict. I know that my thinking is poison. I have lots of reasons to feel sorry for myself. External and internal

As I was writing in my journal this morning, I can see how recent activities have mimicked my addictions. For instance, when I was drinking, I was also busy trying to find a new relationship on the internet through chat. In the end, I would get a big lift each time someone acknowledged me as a human being, wanted to be with me, would hear my story, share in my lust. There's probably some term for wanting that acknowledgement, craving it. Breaking promises over and over to have that experience again.

Now, with blogging, with exchanging emails with a group of friends, I find myself doing the same thing. Looking for that acknowledgement, that reply that affirms me. Finding myself almost obsessive. Looking for something that others see in my that I don't see in myself?

It's like I take the stuff that's good in my life and I poison it.

I want to be a healthy human being. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I'm just tired of doing the work for it.

We did step six at a meeting tonight. I was pouting, stone faced, staring at the walls, I was unfriendly, not offering hope and experience. Truth is, I just wanted to numb myself. I was asked to read a portion and this is part of what I read:

"We live in a world riddled with envy. To a greater or less degree, everybody is infected with it. From this defect we must surely get a warped yet definite satisfaction. Else why would we consume such great amounts of time wishing for what we have not, rather than working for it, or angrily looking for attributes we shall never have, instead of adjusting to the fact and accepting it."

The words "accepting it" keep ringing through my head. I am not perfect. I struggle with fear every day. I cannot make my children well. The very things I want to succeed at I cannot do. And I cannot accept that. And I spend my time hoping and wishing I am different than I am. And even though I know that is not the way to be, I keep on doing the same thing, day after day. I want to shout out with rage, I don't know what to do. How do I change the unchangeable?

What can I do? Breathe. Letting the air fill my lungs from bottom to top. Feeling the breath expand inside of me. Noticing that moment. Then I can remember that no one else can fix me either. Crying out on my blog isn't going to fix anything. Some comment from a stranger isn't going to mystically change me. Won't happen. I am responsible for me. No one else. I am no longer a lost, hurt child. I am a man. I will face all the issues around and I will not try to fix them nor allow myself to feel responsible for them.

I am alone and not alone. The most solid real thing that I have is intangible. Relationships. Intimacy. Being truthful, honest, open. I can share my hurts, others can share their own hurts. Somehow, in the sharing, we change. Family is so important. I don't have to be the perfect dad, problem solver extraordinary. I just get to be me, just as I am. Imperfect. Flawed. and capable of loving and empathy and compassion and etc etc etc.



pat said...

Really intense writing and sharing here. Believe it or not I can relate to alot of what you wrote here. Always struggling, always trying to figure things out, always caretaking, always feeling stress, anger, frustration over things I can't control and/or change. I wish I had the answers for both of us. I wish I knew how to make it better but I suppose that is the problem in the first place. I am not suppose to fix it or make it better because things will fall into place on their own time & how they are suppose to. Am I making any sense here?

indistinct said...

You are making a lot of sense Pat. Way to much.

My children are hurting and I am powerless. I have (at times) hated that particular word. I want power to fix and to heal. I want to make it better. But I can't and then I pout.

As you wrote, things will fall into place on their own time and how they are supposed to. Without my help.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to change this the things I can. The wisdom to know the difference.

dAAve said...

At least you're involved in a WE program. Take advantage of that. Call another alcoholic (or 2 or 3) and ask them about their day.

Go ahead. Try it.

indistinct said...

Good point, Daave. it is about others, not just me.

~m2~ said...

ed, i can relate to this more than i can acknowledge in a comment box :)

you are not alone in your journey. there are many of us out here, suffering from the same things -- tell me what person doesn't want affirmation? acceptance? love and tolerance? every single thing we are "addicted" to starts out as ok, as long as it's done in moderation. we are extremists, however. moderation is never enough so we need to either learn how to limit our intake or cut it off at the quick.

we really have no other options, do we?

what is it they say? the first step is admitting you have a problem. the second is recognizing there is a power greater than ourselves that can handle it for us, the third, handing it over. realization, revelation, action.

(take my own advice, however? pshaw!)