Wednesday, June 18, 2008

100 pound test

When I entered an addiction's treatment centre a couple of years ago, I was given a copy of "Daily Reflections". One of the things that we did, while an inpatient, was, as we grew close to people, we gave them our copy of "Daily Reflections" and they would go to the entry on their belly button birthday and write something as well as leave some contact info. It's always a surprise to turn over a page and find a hand written note in the margins of the page. The text written is affirming. Usually reminding me of something I have learnt while in the centre. Sometimes I still struggle to accept the words.

"Your a great man that helped me open up"
"You have a heart of gold, stay sober"
"Keep you heart as warm as it is"
"we shared a bathroom, may we both share sobriety"
"You are a gentle soul"
"... you have a very caring heart"
"I hope you learn to recognize the good in you"
"be serene, jelly bean"

These are a few of the words written in my book. I recognize, again, that in listening to others, I'll see things in myself I would never allow myself to see. Just as it's easier to see the good in others that they seem to have difficulties seeing themselves.

Since last weeks strong recognition of my selfishness, it's not that I've become less selfish. Every time I go into self pity, I just see it. Work at getting out of it. Trouble being, my thought life can be rather negative toward myself, and when that happens, that negativity can slip to the outside world. The relationships I am in are affected. I get caught up in this circle of self hate. Blaming myself. Intimacy is the way out. Sharing what's going on. Letting the sponsor know. Letting friends and family know. It looses it's power.

I've been downloading and listening to AA speakers as I walk to and from work. (a 25 minute walk) I've been choosing those that talk about sponsorship the last couple of weeks. Finally I listened to someone tell me how to catch a sponsee. I am on the right track. Introducing myself to new comers, being helpful. The speaker gave me some good idea's on how to be more helpful and get to know more people. Can't wait to try them. The speaker did note that I should pray about it, Allowing God's will some room in my life. Acceptance.

After hearing that, I resolved not to bring my fishing gear to the next meeting. A big treble hook with 100 lb fishing line might not be the right tools. I already have the right tools, my Daily Reflections is full of them.

Jelly Bean

1 comment:

dAAve said...

Work it, and they will come.