Saturday, June 7, 2008

bubbling up to the surface

So just how many character defects can a person have? Why is it that there are so many buried inside of me and they just keep on bubbling to the surface to lie there exposed. Look at me, they cry out, look at me and see yourself. arghhhhhhhh.

In the forefront today are these poor people who have a bit of authority in my life or whom I even imagine might have some. The ones that I feel angry toward. If for no other reason than they might tell me what to do. (I don't think I have to illuminate the underlying fears behind the anger, that they might demand something I don't want to do.) wait, more brackets (makes me wonder why I don't have big resentments toward AA)

When I was young, my Dad was the guy with the big stick (figuratively please). He used his anger and stern words (agonizingly long lectures) to try and control me. I had lots of fear around him and his verbal wrath. Later, that became my understanding of God. (long sermons - long lectures - about not being good enough)

I was talking with someone about my drinking life. How I would sit in my den, in front of my computer, on my second bottle of wine, chatting with some equally sick person, thinking I was living the life, while all the while, there was a real live human being that loved me and cared for me sitting in the next room. That real person wanted the best for me. I gave that loving warm compassionate human being a big stick. She wanted me to stop drinking. How dare she. And, by the way, if she really knew who I was, she couldn't possibly love me, hell, even I can't love me. My thinking discounted hers, she was wrong. I'm right.

Friends, family, my sponsor, the occasional AA member, work mates, they still get the big stick handed to them by me. And then, when I have allowed them to hold the big stick, I can get pissed off at them. How dare they.

I think there is a technical term for this. Transference. I read that in a book a couple of weeks ago so it might be true. I see it at work in my life.

So how do I stop doing this authority/anger/fear thing?

Step seven reads "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." Mark wrote over at a Dozen Steps that an older time said "God is not a puppeteer" Shazaaaam. I keep going there. Faiery Dust, Magic Wand, now God, the master puppeteer.

How do I stop? by stopping. By taking responsibility.

My choice. Healthy relationships or misery. My higher power, with me. Not forcing me.

Thanks for letting me share.

5 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I like that image of handing someone a big stick. It's a good way to remember and take responsibility for my part. Thanks so much for sharing.

indistinct said...

Your welcome.

Something I thought later on was that the people holding the big stick don't even know they have it.

ocawasin said...

Healthy relationships always feel strange to me and that is usually how I figure out that it is a good relationship. My first sponsor felt that way to me and he turned out to be a great friend. I hate it when I choose misery.

dirtydishes said...

Great post! Yes we give them power that they do not even know they posses, let alone want! People screw up and let us down, they are human. Putting our faith in a Higher Power leaves it up to Him to work through us, if we let Him. Ahh, so simple!

pat said...

"So how do I stop doing this authority/anger/fear thing?"

When you figure this out, let me know. I need some major instruction on these issues these days.