Saturday, June 28, 2008

The past is powerless

My addicted child is having difficulties, at least in my not so humble opinion. It kinda floors me and I want to get all controlling and angry and fearful and selfpityish.

When I look at what we've gone through in the last few years, I wonder why we would have to start again. So I did, back to the big book, looking for solutions to someone else's problems.

As well, the sponsee who is not really a sponsee is having difficulties as well. This person is also teaching me what the big book is trying to teach me.

As active drinkers or users, our previous bottoms have no power to prevent us from drinking or using. No matter how ugly that bottom was, it won't be enough to stop us. It doesn't have that kinda power.

Page 24 of the big book states:

"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."

It has amazed me, in my own behaviour, how I would go back to drink, to porn, knowing how badly that behaviour has affected my spouse, my family, and myself. Even today, I still have emotional behaviours, that cause a lot of pain, that I use, over and over again. Living in fear has never helped. It makes my life very uncomfortable. Yet I go back to it. It's hard work not going back to use the old tools.

So, if the "sponsee" wants to keep drinking, if my son wants to make his own choices, I can understand where they are coming from. I've done the same. I can have compassion and understanding toward them. I don't have to be fearful, it just doesn't help anything.

The big book goes on with these statements (taken from chapters 3 and 4):

  • simple kit of spiritual tools
  • deep and effective spiritual experiences
  • to accept spiritual help
  • vital spiritual experiences
  • proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God
  • failed to enlarge his spiritual life
  • spiritual remedy
  • spiritual principles would solve all my problems
  • His defense must come from a higher power
This kind of solution I am powerless to give. I see, more and more, the wisdom of my sponsor. To let life take it's course, to stay out of the way, to let my Higher Power sort it out. In my child's life, the sponsee's life, my life. I am powerless.

I have lots of gratitude for my experience. That God found me, that through the grace of my Higher Power, my life changes. I get a daily reprieve.


pat said...

Life is certainly a journey, isn't it?

dAAve said...

These have been some of the most difficult lessons for me.
Good post.