Friday, June 20, 2008

pride

At our step study group, we were looking at step 4. The sharing centred around the material from the 12 and 12. In the paragraph on page 48 which talks about the seven deadly sins I saw:

It is not by accident that pride heads the procession. For pride, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or unconscious fears, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress. Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting our misusing our God-given instincts.


So what is pride? Mr. Webster states that pride is "1. The quality or state of being proud; inordinate self-esteem; an unreasonable conceit of one's own superiority in talents, beauty, wealth, rank, etc., which manifests itself in lofty airs, distance, reserve, and often in contempt of others."

I could always justify (to myself) the 2nd bottle of wine. I could tell myself over and over again, that it was my right, i owed it to myself, to go out onto the Internet and find another companion. Even when it was evident how badly this was affecting my spouse, I could still self justify. I deserved it.

Today, I discover that I still struggle with pride. That I trust myself more than I trust my higher power. That I have all the answers. Old behaviours that float to the surface. Behaviours that are harmful. Stuff that I don't want to see when I review my day. It's not as blatant as it was when I was an active alcoholic.

Pride in that I still have the answers. Fear in that I had better have the answers 'cause if I don't things are not going to turn out well. Acceptance in that I am powerless, I don't have the answers. I remind myself each day that the people around me are much better off in God's hands. Mine are kinda greasy. I pray each day that I would stay out of my Higher Power's way, I don't have to solve all the problems I see. When I find myself problem solving, I can step back.

Growth and change come when we work the steps. Honesty, openness and willingness. I am thankful for the changes. For the daily reprieve from the disease of alcoholism.

Thanks to those who helped me find the displaced link. Very much appreciated.

Still praying to find a sponsee. Gods way, not mine. Trust.

1 comment:

dAAve said...

I love Step 3.