Thursday, July 17, 2008


Last nights topic of discussion was step 12. To prime ourselves, we had read the last half of the chapter on Step Twelve out of the 12 and 12.

There is so much promise in that reading. Paragraphs that contain so much. Like the following:

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care. (page 116, emphasis is mine)

Fears around my addicted child. Having to let go, to stop looking for solutions, to stop the craziness in my thinking, to stop playing God. Just accept the child and trust God.

The insaneness of trying to have everyone like me. Trying to be perfect. It's impossible. I have this fear of not being accepted in AA, or at work, or at home. I am often disparaging toward myself, acting the goof. Childhood tricks.

I don't have to play God or expect people to play God for me. I'm just me. Just as I am. I'm on a journey, an adventure of a lifetime, for it is my life.

We were still trying to find emotional security by being dominating or dependent upon others. Even when our fortunes had not ebbed that much and we nevertheless found ourselves alone in the world, we still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy kind of domination or dependence. For those of us who were like that, A.A. had a very special meaning. Through it we begin to learn right relations with people who understand us; we don't have to be alone any more. (page 116 - 117)
There was so much promise, even about my relationship with my partner. Struggling in it, I realize now, is inevitable. As we both change in my sobriety, the dance becomes difficult. We both need to relearn the steps, to fall in love again. A sentence on page 117 reads:

Our main problem is not how we are to stay married; it is how to be more happily married by eliminating the severe emotional twists that have so often stemmed from alcoholism.
I love it. Emotional twistedness. Another way of saying that I get bent out of shape.

Relationships are a partnership. I don't have to lead, I don't have to be led. I must have been darn confusing to live with.

I'm seeing, more clearly, the importance of steps 10 and 11. How reviewing the day shows me so much about myself. How prayer and meditation strengthens my trust in my Higher Power. How the two work together to prepare me for step 12, carrying the message and practising the principles in all my affairs.

I just noticed that it says we carry the message, not create effective change in others. God does the changing.

There is lots of work that needs to be done in my life. I'm the only one that can do it.

I am amazed at the amount of gratitude I feel at this moment. Thanks for letting me share.


dAAve said...

Thanks for the reminders.

Anonymous said...

You can do the work with your HP's help. Very slowly I have been opening up to my spouse, walking through the fear, it has brought us closer. Our spouses see us changing, going through changes, and getting better with the help of the program, sometimes they feel left out and un-needed. Reaching out and asking for help from someone we love, being vulnerable to that love, is a big step, but well worth taking.

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

Thank you for sharing.

I love coming here (happy sigh); There is a Peace in your reflections.

Mary LA said...

Gratitude is so key to growth isn't it? Love your insights

Mary LA