Sunday, August 24, 2008

An amend

My Higher Power is on my Step 8 list and I've been procrastinating the writing of a letter which would be my amend. I keep waiting for the perfect time which never comes up. Finally, last night, I did it.

I wrote to my Higher Power how much I have resented God, sometimes hating. I wrote how high my expectations of God had become, how hard I had tried to be what I had thought God wanted me to be so I could get what I wanted from God. How I had failed terribly and then blamed God.

Truth is, I wanted a life free of discomfort.

"I wanted to nestle in your hands, to feel safe and comfortable. A life of ease. That's what I wanted and could not have. And I blamed you. As I selfishly sought my comfort in pornography, in chat, in alcohol, I blamed you. I thought you would prevent my children from having to struggle with depression. That harm from others would not befall them. That my children would not have to struggle in addiction. I blamed you. You had not become the shield about them."

The gratitude I felt when you first intervened in my life turned to anger, fear, and hate.

As I wrote, I realized just how rigid my thinking had been before I fell into recovery. How much I believed in me. I had never doubted my thinking. I was my own higher power. That kind of thinking brought so much pain into my life and into the lives of those close to me.

God used that pain to change my life again. How growth can be the result of painful episodes in our lives. How I was set free from daily dependencies as a result of that pain.

I don't have to understand my Higher Power. God is in control, that's the important part. My part in my Higher Powers plans is all that counts. Not what I want, not my comfort, but to push through my fears and help others. Not to withdraw into my safe place, but to push outwards, into the unknown. I just thought of how I had spent a lot of life trying to get back into a safe womb where my every need is taken care of, wanting God to become that safe place.

I know that being in God's hands is not a safe place. That as my Higher Power makes me, forms me, changes me, there is a lot of pain involved. The answers to my prayers can be "no". I need to trust God's plans.

The result of all that pain is I get to be real. I learn to be open.

The only amends I can make is a living amend. To keep on turning my will and life over to the care of God. To continue to improve my conscious contact with God. To practise the steps in all my affairs, to bring the message to others. To keep on keeping on with God.

Photo Credit: Robin UD


AlkySeltzer said...

Wow! I found some of my favorite words in you blog today. Anger, Fear, Hate, Change, Trust, My Will, Procrastinating...well heck, the whole piece is full of these words which I've been hearing for a long time--and need to KEEP ON hearing, using, and doing.

My forgetter is the only thing about me that works nearly perfectly.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Growing up is difficult, but sooooo worth it! Keep up the good work!

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

The way you open yourself wide for self-examination and the accompanying desire for betterment is remarkable. I love the line, "being in God's hands is not a safe place." Truly thought-provoking.

Keep on keepin' on.