Monday, August 11, 2008

A case of the uns.

Yesterday, I was feeling emotionally tight, constricted. A sense of unhappiness, unease, and ungratefulness. Familiar feelings. An internal twistedness with sharp edges running through my core. Whats behind all this? Probably fear. A fear that comes from possible up coming changes to my life, but nothing for sure. A fear of not changing. A fear of changing. A fear of failing.

So I went to a meeting last night and the topic was step six. "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." I certainly felt defected and I want to change.

I appreciate the wisdom of old timers and there were a few at the meeting last night. One spoke of his own frustrations of over 25 years of working the steps and still having to deal with his own defects. Another with over 30 years spoke of how he still wants to be in control, not seemingly able to let go of this. Of course, my thinking picks up on this and there was no sense of peace to be had from this meeting.

I've been at places like this in my journey before. Struggling to accept me, as I am. Trying to hard to be different. So, like Popeye, "I am who I am and that's all that I am"

I remember the words of my sponsor, "time takes time" and "you are just where you need to be". The words of a woman from another 12 step program, "God works slowly, simply and subtly". And from another person, "There are two things you need to know about God, God is and you isn't".

I understand, at this moment, that I want to be in control. I want to feel safe that way. And if I couldn't feel safe that way, I would drink and porn. Numb the fear.

Control is not in my future. I can't make everything safe for me and those I love. I can't make the future what I want it to be.

What tools do I have? Acceptance, gratitude, and "do the work". I can let go and let God.

I am grateful that I have been sober and clean since March 15, 2006.
I am grateful for family. For my partner and for our children. They are amazing. Times have not been easy for any of them and to watch them pull together, wow.
I am grateful that feelings come and feelings go. If I work at it, a new feeling always shows up.
For the newcomers whom I can inflict myself upon.

Thanks for letting me talk to myself.

3 comments:

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

When I am feeling like an out-of-control control freak, I like to tell myself, "Step away from the remote. You can change one channel to another, but you cannot change one TV into a bunny rabbit." It is what it is.

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough patch. Change is hard on most people and I think that addicts are more sensitive to the stress of change. Just ride it out and keep saying the Serenity Prayer.

I am grateful for you and your writing and for the 2 years, 4 months, and 27 days of sobriety that you have under your belt. Way to go!!!

dirtydishes said...

Sometimes even if you don't work at it a new feeling shows up! 'Thanks for letting me talk to myself"...gave me a chuckle!

Bonnie said...

"Control is not in my future."

Love that.