Sunday, August 3, 2008


One of the things that A.A. does is whittles me down to size. Kinda like right sizing. As I learn to be more honest, to see the world as my Higher Power sees it, I also start to see my place in.

I was reading Calm Acceptance's blog entry on "Going through some changes". I read this on Friday morning and the thoughts expressed seemed to have been slowly percolating through my head through the weekend. What struck me the most was when she wrote, "I do not even have to be a catalyst in the equation."

Wow, I'm not special enough to affect change in others? Well then, just how powerless am I? Completely powerless, according to the evidence presented so far. Talk about existential fear. I discover, over and over, just how deep this fear runs through me, how forcibly persuasive fear can be. I chuckle at myself when I think about how comfortable I would feel if I was god.

Who am I then? Just one of the approximately 6.7 billion people on this plant. Nobody special. The cool part? I am an alcoholic in sobriety. My life changed after I put myself in God's hands. Allowing my higher power to be the potter, and I do my part by being the clay. When did I start changing. After hearing the collective experience of all those in recovery, pushing my fear to the side, and started to do the work. And as I become less and less special in my own eyes, my life becomes better and better. As I continue to do the work, I've been promised that I will get a daily reprieve from my desire to drink, to numb. As I stay sober, I start to connect with those around me. Not having to be a leader, just a partner. I don't have to have control. To become part of family and society.

Another thing about being a catalyst. A catalyst never changes, is never used up. I want to continue to grow, to change. I have no idea what's coming up, but if I stop focusing on me, and pay attention to the Potter, change will be inevitable. Change for the better. The Creator is an artisan.

Admitted I was powerless? That my life had become unmanageable? This step seems to grow in scope each day.

Thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit - ah zut


Sophie in the Moonlight said...

"..., and I do my part by being the clay."

Sweetie, I have been catching up on a week's worth of blog posts all day today, and that is the most erudite, heartfelt clause I have read, and I have the privilege of reading the blogs of quite a few very interesting, intelligent, kind-hearted travelers such as yourself.

I am going to carry this quote in my heart for a while and meditate on it. Then I am certain to come back and ask questions.

Thank !you! for sharing.

indistinct said...

Thank you, Sophie.

For my own sake, I need to acknowledge that the concept of the potter and the clay is borrowed from Hebrew text.

One translation of Isaiah 64:8 reads:

"Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the shout out. See, of all the words that I wrote in that post, I never put any real significance on that one phrase, and somehow it touched you. I pray that I am clay too! Thanks for sharing.