Wednesday, August 13, 2008

fear of voice

This morning, reading your blogs, brings things to light for me.

I've always struggled with talking. With finding something to say to another human being. Unless I feel I have something really worth while to say, I don't say much. In a large group, I keep my mouth shut, feeling I have no value to add. I love "one on one" conversation. When I share at a meeting, I find myself damp with sweat when I am done, wondering if I made any sense to anyone.

I know from the feedback I have received that I speak well. That I get out what I want to get out and others understand what I'm talking about.

I don't do small talk well. Don't know what to talk about. I spend one hell of a time listening. People do think I'm a bit odd in that I don't often speak (this is just me thinking outloud).

Mary Christine spoke of fear of rejection. I could so relate to that. Fear of others judging me, finding me different. Even in my silence, people form opinions. I can't hide. As I think about it, I find I hold back so much, especially if your opinion is different than mine. I just clam up.

Mary Christine linked me to Daave, who has lost his mother. She wrote of how the program works in difficult time. Daave was so open and honest about what's going on for him. I wanted to comment to him, but, like always, when I see the blank comment field, I can't imagine writing anything worthwhile in that space. I wondered what I would say if I was face to face with him, and realized I would say very little. I would just bury him in a hug.

Another blogger, louisey, is also going through a difficult time. I wanted to give her words and comfort in that blank comment box. It all sounded so lame. It ends up being about me, not the other that I want to connect with. If hugs are all I got, then that's all I can give.

I still want to be god. I want my words to be so perfect that they would take the edge off of anyone's emotional pain. I want my words to be so perfect that you would all find me wise and sage. Truth is, I am afraid of all of you. What you think, how you judge. So I build up walls to protect myself, walls of silence. Risk of vulnerability?

Thank you, Mary Christine, for the mirror.

2 comments:

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

"I wanted to comment to him, but, like always, when I see the blank comment field, I can't imagine writing anything worthwhile in that space. I wondered what I would say if I was face to face with him, and realized I would say very little. I would just bury him in a hug."

Oh, Honey. Every time you comment on my blog I am grateful for your presence and I feel emboldened by your support, the support of all of my commenters, to keep going, to dig deeper, to not be afraid of sharing my truths, my journey, my ideas, my vulnerabilities. I would not have kept this blog up for as long as I have without hearing from you and the others who say, "this means something to me", "That thought really helped me understand myself, my friend, or my family of origin", or "I would never be able to go that deep and write about it, but I am so glad you did".

Everyone just wants to be heard. You comment very well and I have always admired your succinctness. ( I am SO long-winded.) So, please don't worry about writing the perfectly clever comment. Here are some options that almost always work:
(((hugs)))
::::sigh::::
I hear you.
Cool.
Thank you. That really hit close to home.
Your sharing empowers me.
Lovely.
Will you be my BFF? ;)

or, every bloggers favorite,

That was so good that I linked you.

This is a virtual world. No one can actually bite you. Besides you are so dang sweet that I just have to say
(((HUGS))), Indistinct. Relax. You are doing great work here and in the comment field. Keep it up.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

"I still want to be god. I want my words to be so perfect that they would take the edge off of anyone's emotional pain. I want my words to be so perfect that you would all find me wise and sage. Truth is, I am afraid of all of you. What you think, how you judge. So I build up walls to protect myself, walls of silence. Risk of vulnerability?"

You are so singing my song!

And the funny thing is that just yesterday, I wrote a post about a similar thing. I went to someplace new, wanted to leave a comment, but worried people wouldn't like me, so left one that was very apologetic for who I was and what I thought, hoping that would take the edge off of people's imagined dislike for me.

It's scary to be judged. It feels terrible to be judged. And people do judge. I can't avoid it, yet in trying, I close myself off to so many people and experiences. Thanks for the post and for being here.