Saturday, August 16, 2008

free


Many years ago, when my partner and I were dating, we were walking through a plaza that contained some glass walls. There was a little brown bird trapped, trying to fly into the city behind the glass. It must of being trying for a while for it was easy to catch. I could feel it's heart beating in my hand, it was quivering. We carried it outside and I raised my arm and opened my hand and off it flew, with not even a thank you.

Today, I feel like that bird trapped behind the glass. There is so much freedom, out there, beyond the glass and I'm stuck. Who's trapping me? I am. Feelings of anger, fear, self-pity. Very physical feelings, stuck in my gut. It feels empty, cold, tight.

I spoke for a while with an AA friend yesterday. He spoke of acceptance, of living in just today, of the importance of taking care of my self. How there is so much on my plate. The struggles with management at work, house hunting, the seeking of a sponsee, letting our children go, etc. etc.

Lots of things for an alcoholic to get bent about.

I spoke with another friend last night. He's moved to a new city. Only went to one meeting. Didn't like it. Everyone there was cold. Missed his old group. Then started deflecting, not wanting to talk about him. I worry much to easy. He is in God's hands, not mine.

So, today, I struggle with the first three steps. In my head, I know I am powerless, that I need to turn this all over to God. In my heart, I want power, I want my own way, and if I can't get it then I am fearful, angry, and sad.

How painful does it have to get before the glass wall breaks and I can be free again. Walking in the sunlight of God's universe. (thanks Scott)

Photo Credit: Vlad B

1 comment:

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

A: "There was a little brown bird trapped, trying to fly into the city behind the glass. It must of being trying for a while for it was easy to catch. I could feel it's heart beating in my hand, it was quivering. We carried it outside and I raised my arm and opened my hand and off it flew, with not even a thank you."

Q: "How painful does it have to get before the glass wall breaks and I can be free again?"

You put the Answer before the Question. When you do that you are focused on the question, not the answer. The glass does not need to broken. You need to be carried.

Seek and ye shall find. In your case, I am guessing that you will find it "In God's Hands."

Nestle. Later you can send a thank you note to the Big Guy.