Wednesday, August 6, 2008

human


I've lost count of how often I've heard the opening paragraphs of chapter 5, "How it works", read out loud from the big book. Most meetings I attend open with that reading. Last nights meeting was no different, 'cept that I heard different.

Near the end, in the abc's, I heard: (b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. Well, thats not really what I heard. What I did hear was "no human power can relieve alcoholism in any other human." That I, the human power I am most intimate with, cannot relieve alcoholism in my child, or in my sponsees, or in any other unsuspecting soul that enters the room at an AA meeting.

There seems to be a theme that my Higher Power is trying to teach me. I appreciate how God is so patient and compassionate. That it's taking me a long time to figure this out and it must be an important lesson since it keeps being presented to me.

I am powerless.

I've always seen this as a position of weakness. I'm starting to understand that perhaps it's a position of strength. With my first sponsee announced that he no longer wanted to work the steps, I put the blame on me. Self loathing and it's close companion, self hating, filled me. It's all my fault this kid went back to drinking. If I accept that I am powerless over someone's alcoholism, then I could not allow myself the luxury of self loathing and hatred. I could not blame myself. I could not let myself feel like I've let God down again. Now that is a lot to give up!

Is it possible, that we, as alcoholics, do this on purpose? Use our thinking to put ourselves into an emotional position where we can drink again? I think I have failed, therefore, I have an excuse to numb out these awful feelings?

Maybe being powerless isn't a position of strength. Letting go and letting God could be a source of peacefulness and serenity. Loosing the sense of responsibility for something I am powerless over, would be the loss of a heavy burden.

What follows B?

c) That God could and would if He were sought.

Photo Credit - Phil H.

3 comments:

dAAve said...

Keep it up.

dirtydishes said...

God put that sponsee in your life to teach you something....sounds like he did. Like Daave said, keep it up!

AlkySeltzer said...

Just reading through some of your posts, written B4 I 'knew' you...

"c. That God could and would if He were sought."

I remember adding, to the word "sought"...",not caught."

See if that makes sense to you?

(Sorry to comment amonth late! -g-
Steve E.