Saturday, August 30, 2008

into the unknown

I feel a tightness across me chest, a bottomlessness in my belly, the physical feelings of fear. My mind feels hyper vigilant, unable to calm down. Trying to centre on my breathe brings momentary peace, but my mind soon takes over. Fears around what my addicted child is up to.

Things have been calm around our home the last few months. The child had reached a bottom in January of this year and we allowed this sibling to move back into our home. We've had some wonderful times and some scary times. Right now, it's scary. We don't know what's going on in the addicts life. We are shut out again, which to us (my partner and I) is a big warning sign.

Not knowing what's going is like being out of control. And when I don't have control, I feel fearful.

I find, for me, that living with this child is best done one day at a time. And if a crisis is going to happen, to deal with the crisis as it occurs, not worrying about might happen. Not letting tomorrow spin around in my head.

I'm not comfortable relating the circumstance of where we find ourselves today. It could just be our thinking out of control.

What do I know at this moment. That each day, we place this addicted child in God's hands. I pray that through the circumstances the child finds themselves in, that they would be in a position to turn their own life over to a Higher Power of their own understanding. I pray that the Creator's will be done. I pray that I stay out of the way, that my fears won't goad me into trying to wrestle control. We love this child deeply. We are powerless over the addiction. We can be there to help, if asked.

While working with others, I'm starting to see the power of our own thoughts. Some recently gave me a copy of "The Tao of Sobriety". In the 2nd chapter, there was a sentence that made me laugh out load: "we are easily swayed by our own opinions." Looking back in my life, I see how often I have trusted my thinking and no one else. How strongly I believed in myself. How difficult it is to break down the walls that prevent us from trusting another. How much harder that it do to with another person. How fast I can build up those walls in times of trouble.

Working with others brings so much insight into self. It is one of the gifts of a 12 step group.

As for today, I'm going to place this addicted child into God's hands. Into hands that are compassionate, caring, kind, and patient. Best place to be.

I'll still feel scared. Powerlessness does that to me. I can accept that. One day at a time.

Photo credit: Midnight-digital


AlkySeltzer said...

Hey 'Indistinct', I just commented on your Aug 4 blog...nothing much, just a thought.

Wondering how old is your child? I feel SO sad that there are cases like yours just *everywhere*. That does not make it easier, to know, you are not alone...but you know that, and a saving grace is this Anonymous blogworld--you know that also.

And, when all else fails, PRAY. You know that, TOO! I'll pray also, for you...right now, 7:05PM Eastern.
Steve E.

dAAve said...

It sounds like you've done everything you can do.
Be proud of that, knowing that others must live as they see fit.

Mary Gee said...

It is scary. But God doesn't have grandkids.