Friday, August 15, 2008

light and shadow

I was given an opportunity, yesterday, to remember what it was like. I hadn't thought of the deep, dark depression I was caught in. How alone I felt in the middle of that thick warm sea called self pity. How my suicide plan was in place. I had forgotten the thousands of hours spent on the 'net viewing porn and chatting. Memories of constantly broken promises came back to me. Of constantly obsessing how I could drink without people knowing. Protecting my supply. The relief of Friday night arriving, so I could drink as much as I want, not having to worry about work the next day. I was a fear driven, lying drunk. I wanted the escape that alcohol and sex could both provide. I wanted the darkness, the silence, that would come with death.

I remember before I quit drinking, after I quit the internet shit, I was reading my child's daily reflections and there was a quote from Bill W about walking in the sunshine. The thought about being in the light, out of the darkness I was in, was delightfully appealing. I was discovering that I wanted to be in the sunshine. I wanted to experience the joy of living. I wanted to walk hand in hand with others.

Today, I am on that path. I have so much of my life back. When I think about the changes, I become filled with gratitude for what my Higher Power has done and is doing. for the support of my spouse and family, for the fellowship of alcoholic anonymous and the suggested 12 steps which are changing my life, for the treatment centre I went to, for friends, both in flesh and blood and through blogging that provide community and support.

In spite of all that there is in my life. Today, and for the past few weeks of today, I feel sad and discouraged. Some of it through the slowness of change when it comes to my character defects. Some of it through events of the past while. These feelings that have come and gone after the pink cloud of early recovery evaporated. Feelings of self hate, self loathing. Bull shit feelings.

The last few weeks at meetings, I've felt like an outsider. That the struggles I am going through are unique. That no one wants to hear for the umpteenth time what I'm going though. So I hold it in. The more I hold, the more I want to get away. Strong, desperate feelings that part of me cries out to numb. Feelings so strong yet I choose not to acknowledge them to any other human, not even being aware that I was hiding them.

I wanted to flee from last nights meeting. I felt so fucked up, so twisted. I wanted to be away. Hide. I chose to honour my commitments instead. I helped to put away the chairs, do the clean up. While doing so, I decided I had better approach someone and start talking. I don't want to go on living where I was. (Last week, someone shared during a meeting that they wanted to be happy and used me as an example. Fuck!)

So I cornered this guy and we talked for about twenty minutes. He spent some time shining light into the spaces of my life that I was shutting off. It was a beginning.

Honesty, openness, and willingness. Stuff that keeps us alive.


Sophie in the Moonlight said...

Good. 8-)

Mary LA said...

So good reading you. It is always a struggle to reach out and share and yet it is so often the best thing we can do for ourselves and others.

Right now I am so lonely here In Wales where I know almost nobody and I just wish I had reached out more often.



Shadow said...

my great fear was asking for help. this fear kept me from recovery. but only for so long. then i learnt to ask for help. to speak. to open up about what really going on inside. honestly. just like you...