Friday, August 1, 2008

reliance, not defiance

Every once in a while, it gets to me. It being the journey of recovery. How friends, made at meetings and coffee afterwards, disappear. How just about all the men in my home group have different faces than those that were there when I joined two years ago. How our children inherit our disease. How intense feelings of loneliness can show up at a meeting, even at a cake night. How envious I can feel over the ease that others have at interacting with each other. How my struggles with fear seem to be never ending, that fear manifests itself in new, unexpected ways. How selfishness comes into all of this. How, deep down, there is always a piece of me that wants to give up and numb out.

Alcoholism is a disease. It brings within me unease. Two days ago, I was feeling like I was growing, changing, pulling out of my isolating tendencies, feeling like a part of human kind. Last night, I feel like a failure, full of self loathing, unhappiness. These feelings will pass.

On page 33 out of the twelve and twelve:

Therefore, Step Two is the rallying point for all of us. Whether agnostic, atheist, or former believer, we can stand together on this Step. True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and every A.A. meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him.

When folk I come to care for, relapse, I want to blame God. Cast stones at my Higher Power, so to speak. I revert back to old belief systems. When I failed to sober someone up, I want to blame God and then myself.

I remind myself that it's not about casting blame. It's not about being able to find who's at fault. Deep down, that's what I want to do. But to do so would be pointless, unhealthy.

Page 31 in the twelve and twelve contains these words:

"When we encountered A.A., the fallacy of our defiance was revealed. At no time had we asked what God's will for us; instead we had been telling Him what it ought to be. No man, we saw, could believe in God and defy Him, too. Belief meant reliance, not defiance. In A.A. we saw the fruits of this belief: men and women spared from alcohol's final catastrophe. We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor to recriminate. This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all condition. We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay."

Feeling come and feelings go. I acknowledge them, look at them, and work with them. I am not perfect, just human. I have spent years in defiance, I don't want to live in that town any longer.

Today, I would like to walk clean and sober. Connect today to the chain I've started a couple of years ago. Today, I realize, that my feelings don't define who I am. That there is a higher Director in my life.

I'm going to ask the Director to lead me to another sponsee, not letting fear prevent me from going there, not letting past experiences blind me to the possibilities of helping another.

A man with thirty years sobriety told why he keeps coming back. It was to witness the miracles of changed lives. No greater joy.

Thanks for letting me share.


pat said...

"Feeling come and feelings go. I acknowledge them, look at them, and work with them." This is great that you are doing this. It means you are not allowing yourself to get stuck.

dAAve said...

I understand.
God, as I understand Him, gives all of us the choice to live our lives the way we choose. We are free to make our own decisions.
What more could I ask from my HP?
He puts people in my life for a reason, maybe a season and sometimes a lifetime. For these reasons, I can never be angry with my HP.