Sunday, August 17, 2008

seeing within


I saw the face of my grandson yesterday morning. He has my daughters nose. He looked wonderful. He looked really crunched into his home.

He's not ready to appear until November. She went in for a 3D ultrasound yesterday and was allowed to bring some family members with her. We saw his face, plain as day. We watched him move his arms and legs. His hands and fingers. It was a special moment, a view of this child as I'll never see him again. We watched his heart beating, all four chambers at work, listening to the sound of blood rushing through. We saw his spine, as the ultrasound machine helped us peer through his body. There was nothing he could hide from us.

There's not much room in the womb. The way he was bent in half would make any yoga master jealous. My daughter said she was surprised that he moved so much in the ultrasound, she realized she could only feel the bigger movements and that he was much more active than she thought.

My partner and I experienced this together, sitting side by side watching the monitor, along with other family members. This all took place in a city about an hours drive from where we live. I had argued on the way down and we were not talking. We did not talk on the way back. I was stuck in the emotional discomfort my brain had stewed up.

We made it home and decided that since it was a Hot Hot day, we better find some cool place to hang out. Off to the beach we went, choosing a salt water beach, that faced north, that would have shade and wouldn't be busy. When we got there, we were the only folk on the beach. It's a gravel beach, the tide was low and rising. A light breeze was blowing off the water. A scent of salt water and a hint of decaying sea weed added to the fragrance of the place. I love being close to the water or on the water. We haven't been here for a while.

The water felt cold as we walked in. But I guess it would feel cold compared to the 30 degree air temperature. In a moment of swimming, we realized the water was warm, the top six feet of water luxurously warm. It was fun to swim deep, into the frigid waters below and then surface through the layer of warm.

After swimming, we stood in water up to our waist, enjoying the view, the breeze, the quietness of the beach. We had hardly said a word to each other.

My partner turned to me and said that she was not willing to give up. Simple as that. And it was like clarity finally prevailed. My fear. So simple, so hard to see. Fear of abandonment. Existenial fear. If I can't love myself, how can anyone else love me. And if she is going to ask me out of her life, I had better get defensive. I could see it all. So simple.

I am powerless turns into I am afraid. Fear turns to anger. Anger to self-pity. Emotianal stew.

I see it, and the cycle happens over and over. Thats just the way I am, I am powerless over this to.

Acceptance and trust.

Thanks to fellow bloggers. You prove that this is about we.

Is there an ultrasound machine that shows us the source of our feelings?

Photo credit - notosgoodphotography

3 comments:

Shadow said...

fear of abandonment. one of my greatest ones. still. yet control and shape someone else i cannot do either. which leaves me... to just let go, trust, believe...

dirtydishes said...

Being able to see it now, as well as acknowledge it, is growth. God keeps putting those character defects right in front of our face to show us that we are not powerless over changing ourselves, if we are willing, it takes practice, and humility. It's like he's saying, "Are you sick of you yet?" "Are you ready to let this one go?" "I'll take it if you let me!" Thanks for sharing this.

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

You and your partner sound wonderfully suited for one another. Bless her loving heart that she was able to say the exact thing that your soul needed to have reaffirmed. That is the power of grace.