Monday, September 22, 2008

again, and again.

I started this blog to write about my recovery and to explore my fears. The last few weeks have seemed very positive in my life, that I was changing, growing, becoming more alive. I was learning to like myself, love myself. I am having a wonderful experience working with another. Going though the steps quickly, having a sponsee so hungry for change in his own life. Witnessing the steps at work in another life. Seeing my Higher Power at work. I was blessed, I felt privileged to be part of that. I also seemed to have had a break through with emotional intimacy in our marriage. Lots of positives. It's true that if one wants to have self esteem, it's best to do esteemable tasks with ones life. Doing God's will is the best way.

And then the weekend happened. An emotional roller coaster. Full of panic, fear, and anger. Mostly because I let the events surrounding my addicted child and their partner snare me. We made some assumptions that we believe now were wrong and we acted on them. I just couldn't stay out of the way. Some of the events were true which resulted in me having a restless sleep last night. I wish our words had power, the ability to get inside those we deeply love and fix whats broken. I realize that one weekend does not negate all the changes that are happening in me but it sure feels like that.

I know I can't fix anything. I don't even know what to fix. I am powerless. I know it. I've written much about this powerlessness and my lack of ability to accept. It's been the theme of my journeling for the past three years. I sometimes cry in frustration. We don't want to give up on our child.

Patty had an excellent post on how God works change in our lives. It seems that I have to go through repeated emotional bottoms before I become willing to change. My Higher Power is willing to risk letting us have the same lesson over and over again, until we get it. This is true for me, I could give you examples of how much pain it took to sober me up from wine and porn. How difficult it is to achieve some sort of emotional sobriety. The same is true for others stuck in addiction, my child included.

I am beginning to see how God was involved in my recovery well before I sobered up. That it took a long chain of events to bring me to the spot where I was willing to wake up. A moment that was years in the making.

The very same is true for my child. For the others that we all pray for. It is in God's hands. God's time, God's way. I need constant reminders of that. My will, my ego, keep me from fully embracing, accepting that.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the differance. Not my will, but thine.

Photo Credit: ShutterMoth


Anonymous said...

And you are doing wonderfully!


I've always hated real roller coasters and emotional ones I think I hate even more. I've spent a lot of years working on achieving some measure of emotional balance. It has definitely gotten a lot better, but it is a work in progress that will require tending on an ongoing basis.

Laura said...

This walk of life will always be filled with twisted ankles. God is so merciful that He will walk with us as we work through these moments and sometimes the outcome is greater than we imagine because He loves us so much despite our slips. You're writing is so purely honest and I appreciate it. Prayers to you and yours.

Pam said...

God is so slow...don't you think?

AlkySeltzer said...

That's maybe why they say "God is forever." They may mean that "He takes forever...".

Lou said...

Hi, I see you too are experiencing the pain of the addicted child. I can so relate to your writing that you could not stay out of the way. It is just damn hard.