Sunday, September 7, 2008

A play date


My partner and I awoke early Saturday morning, planning to drive to the beaches at Tofino to play in the surf. The original plan was to take our addicted child with us and a friend of theirs. However, the night before, they told us they were not going to come along. And, behold, fear arose.

We talked it over and decided we were going to go ahead with our plans. So off we went, drove for hours down narrow twisty roads, played on the waves in our black wet suits and body boards. We laughed together, teased each other, shared with each others when the fear became strong, got annoyed at times, we experienced so much together in a day that went by quickly. We came home tired, our faces red from the sun.

Just before bed, my partner asked me something and I quickly reacted, angry. I knew I was angry for the wrong reasons, that fear was once again taking over, that I wanted control over everyone else's life. I apologized, and shared the threads of my feelings and thinking with my partner.

So I could have become angry with myself for becoming angry after having a great day or I could do as my partner does, see me as someone working the program trying to change. For once, I chose the later. 

Louisey has a great post on love over at her blog. She wrote: "Some people construct lives around comfort and ease and don’t really need love" This really stuck me. It showed me stuff out of my past and in my today. 

Some of my comments to her are:

"The less I liked myself, the less I could accept love from others. At my bottom, I was pushing my spouse out of my life. “How could she say she loves me, look at me.”

I still struggle with that. I see my inner landscape and see just the raggedness. The character defects capture my focus. No one else see’s me that way. I just assume they do and that they can’t possibly like me."


I am learning to see myself as others see me, as my higher power sees me.  My vision is slowly changing. Members of my AA comunity, your comments, my partner, are showing me a different landscape than I see. My thinking has had me trapped. Working the steps allows me to change, to renew. 

I am thankful for what God is doing. For the blogger community which trudges together. For AA, who lets me join together with many. For sobriety, for feeling clean.  That even as I am still afraid for our child, that fear doesn't have to be in control. It just shows that I am concerned and love this child, wanting the best. 


Photocredit: The Alieness GiselaGiardino

6 comments:

Shadow said...

oh how easily we trap ourselves, unwittingly, seemingly unknowingly. and now you're re-thinking and re-learning. that's good for you, but i can't imagine it to be easy. it's your child after all. lotsa love to you!

Laura said...

You and I and so many others have been held hostage in the trap of seeing ourselves as something other than created and loved by God when we watch the ones we love choose something different. One thing I learned is that as my thinking is being renewed, I must not only remove the stinking thought, but fill it up with a positive promise (in my case, a word from God) and not leave an empty hole. If it's left empty that old enemy tries to take root again. Our blogs were a bit similar today.

Peace to you.

:)

PRAYER GIRL said...

Thanks for being so willing to share your innermost thoughts and feelings - we've all been in or are now in places that allow us to identify with you. We share a common disease of body, mind, spirit - perception.

I have come to know that God loves each one of us just exactly where we are. He has loved me when I was at my worst and continues to love me as I improve.

I love your Blog name - "In God's Hands" - perfect for us all.

Patty said...

We are always our own worst critic! You trusted God to take care of your son, so you could spend quality time with your wife! You are living your life!

AlkySeltzer said...

Hello, Distinctive!

I commented also on Louise's post, and I'll "take the risk" of copying what really nails down the "love" thing, for me:

“The lover knocked at the door of his beloved. “Who knocks?” said the voice from within. “It is I”, said the lover. “Go away. This house will not hold you and me.”

The rejected lover went away into the desert. There he meditated for months on end, pondering the words of the beloved. Finally, he returned and knocked at the door again.

“Who knocks?”
“It is you.”

The door was immediately opened.

–THE SONG OF THE BIRD by Anthony De Mello p99

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

"The less I liked myself, the less I could accept love from others. At my bottom, I was pushing my spouse out of my life. “How could she say she loves me, look at me.”
I still struggle with that. I see my inner landscape and see just the raggedness. The character defects capture my focus. No one else see’s me that way. I just assume they do and that they can’t possibly like me."

Husband and I are trying to work through this Exact issue right now. He has just recently (last week) acknowledged that this thinking error is getting in the way of our relationship's growth. I'm sending him over to read this and see he is not alone.

Kudos to you for recognizing it.