Wednesday, September 3, 2008

We, please.


We celebrated a members 22 years of sobriety last night. Changed lives. Freedom from fear. Learning to love one's self. I wanted to cry last night as I listened. Cry for joy, the amazing changes in this persons life, the changes that come from working the steps. 

I also wanted to cry with sadness. That confused me, and still does, that mixture of happiness and sadness. Some of the sadness, I suspect, is to do with acceptance. I am an alcoholic, that will never change. I need to do the work that is layed out before me so I can grow into a human being. Sadness, because I still find it so difficult to accept myself, to actually love my self. 

Sadness, impregnated with self-pity. So, enough about that. I'll just keep on working the steps, sometimes trudgingly. I will work with others, trying to love the people that God puts my way on my journey. 

Time takes time.

We change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Others tell me that I am changing. Those voices inside my head tell me otherwise, so whom am I going to listen to? I've always trusted my own reasoning in the past, that's got me into a lot of trouble.

It's we, not me.

Photo Credit: darkmatter

5 comments:

Shadow said...

oh yes, that time takes time. and impatience is always knocking on our door. and i want it NOW... and sooner or later your instinctive reasoning will be back to keep you on the straight and narrow. it took me a whole while before i wanted or could trust my instincts. but now i can and they're spot on once more. you'll get there. "time is on your side, yes it is" mick jagger, rolling stones

AlkySeltzer said...

Hey, Distinctive (that's MY name for you!) "trudgingly" does not mean "grudgingly"...but you probably knew that. Trudge is merely "walking"...

True, I believe that happiness and sadness are very close emotions, sort of like "Love" and "Hate"--close, but no cigar!

Patty said...

Sounds like you answered your own question ;)

pat said...

Stopping by to shout a "hello".

Pam said...

Somedays I just grab Gods hand, put my head down against the harsh winds and walk. It's funny how one foot in front of the other seems so simple, but when we do it...we travel so far.