Monday, October 13, 2008

acceptance, not.

We also fall into another similar temptation. We form ideas as to what we think God's will is for other people. We say to ourselves, "This one ought to be cured of his fatal malady," or  "That one ought to be relieved of his emotional pain," and we pray for these specific things. Such prayers, of course, are fundamentally good acts, but often they are based upon a supposition that we know God's will for the person for whom we pray. This means that side by side with an earnest prayer there can be a certain amount of presumption and conceit in us. It is A.A.'s experience particularly in these cases we ought to pray that God's will, whatever it is, be done for others as well as for ourselves.  (12 steps and 12 traditions, page 104)

Lou commented on my previous entry "I was kept hostage by the fear he would die for a long time. I have finally come to the place where I can accept whatever God has planned." She expressed clearly how I feel. Hostage by fear of my childs death. Lou also came to a place I have not, acceptance. 

I turned my back on Christianity because my prayers were not answered. I was not only looking at the lives of my family members but the world as a whole. There was much to much pain and suffering to allow me to believe that "He's got the whole world in his hands". My last prayer, before I fell deep into my addictions, was "fuck off" and I meant it with every fibre in my body. I can still feel the anger in that prayer. 

In recovery, I've needed to return to a belief in a Higher Power, something greater than myself. Some of my 4th step work was around my beliefs in God. I did a 9th step with God, apologized for my childishness, for wanting what I want and nothing else. I understand that the problem was not God, but me.

And I find myself wishing to do an end run around God. I want to lift God's arm, behind his back, and get him to give in, to say that he would fix my kid.

That is not what lifes about Hank, so give it up. Give in. 

Before I was dragged into recovery, my life was so dark. I did not want to live. So much has changed. I am alive. I walk in the sunlight. I can breath in the cold clear air and feel so rich. My cup is so full. Yet I wrestle with God over my child. I am held hostage by the threat of my child's death because of addiction. Then I start to choke, to flail around, arms windmilling, hurting anyone close to me.

Acceptance doesn't mean I quit trying does it? Not to give up before the miracle happens? I don't want to stop trying. I don't want to stop loving. I don't want to lose my compassion. I don't want to lose this child.   


Shadow said...

you have left me speechless with your insight and understanding and endless love in this post. i can only wish you the best of everything for the future. you deserve it.

Cat said...

This post had me at the start. I found myself tearing up and trying hard to swallow a lump in my throat as I see myself so clearly in all that you talk of - I too struggle with this and with my idea of GOD.


Anonymous said...

I have to continually read that paragraph that you quoted. I am guilty of my prayers for others containing conciet. Like, God please help that poor screwed up bastard to see things my way! LOL. We don't stop trying and therefore we keep learning. Thy will be done, not mine.(darnnit!)

AlkySeltzer said...

Hey guys, I can only speak for all of y--no, wait! I can only speak for MYSELF! I have learned this, if nothing else. I've stopped fighting anything or anybody--including that (elusive? No!) understanding of my higher Power...just another friend, albehe The Great Friend.

But NO one can tell another how to interpret that Higher Power. You only can say that I must HAVE one!

However a paragraph half-way down page 55 in the Big Book, begins with "We finally saw... well, read that, and meditate on it. This COULD be helpful in knowing better (and more?) about my (and your?) Higher Power.