Saturday, October 25, 2008

fear exposed.

My whole life, I remember being angry toward my father. Angry because I could never get him to tell me I was a good kid. That I was doing a good job. Angry because it was never good enough. Angry because it seemed I was alway in his way. Angry because of his anger.

Last spring, I had an experience and I let go of that anger. It felt so freeing to be relieved of that burden.

This past week, I had been corresponding with a friend, exploring why I still struggled with the company of men. As I was writing about the letting go of that anger I realized that underneath that anger I had a very deep fear of my father. A fear that I had never acknowledged. And it was like something shifted inside of me. I could see how that fear had affected great portions of my life. My relationship with God, with people in authority, with friends, with work mates, with members of AA, with men in general, with my children, with everyone. That fear tainted every relationship I have and had.

I felt a failure around my father. Practically everything I did was met with "not good enough, you can do better." I can hear God say that to me, teachers, bosses, etc etc.

What I have learnt, what I've been told, since I've stumbled into recover is that all that kind of thinking is bull shit. And it is. As I've learned to love myself because people have loved me when I was incapable of loving myself, I have changed my thinking. My fears are not as great.

What I mean to say is that now that I can see this uncovered fear, I get to take responsibility for it. When I become untrusting of my Higher Power, I can see my fear in that and not allow my fear to help me take control back. When other people are angry, I don't have to jump in and try to appease them. When I want to isolate, pull back from the company of human kind, I can ackowledge the fear and work through it, returning to you.

To fearlessly enjoy the company of men is going to take some work. Lots of work in recognizing my own feelings while in the midst. Pushing through my fears and listening to unfiltered words.

I'm one step closer to having the promise of "losing fear of people" fullfilled in my journey. Don't know when or where but I know I am on the right path.

Thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit: ViaMoi


Shadow said...

i love your clarity in this post. you know what to do, which remarkably few people learn to do. digging til you find that which hurts. and dealing with it. well done!

AlkySeltzer said...

Hank, I sure hope we meet some day, b/c we got lots to talk about...the same type experiences, etc.

Besides, it would be fun, especially if you played the violin -grin-

Anonymous said...

The truth is so incredibly freeing. You continue to be such an inspiration, Hank. Thank you for your courage.


You share is full of hope - hope that the program works, that the past will not hold us captive forever.

True - it may take a long time, but slowly and surely the truth is revealed and life becomes sweeter and sweeter.

Thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

Yep, right there with you on this one. I'm trying to do my best not to hurt people along the way. About the scariest thing I have to do in sobriety is put my hand out and say would you like to be my friend.

pat said...

Thanks for sharing your feelings.

Mary LA said...

Such an insightful post. And I am enjoying the Steps postings too...



Cat said...

I found that forgiving is so freeing but like you - there is much more to it in order to really get passed the pain and begin to heal.

Wonderfully profound post. Thank you.